MICROSOFT LAYS OFF 3% OF STAFF AFTER DISCOVERING ACTUAL HUMANS STILL WORKED THERE
In a shocking revelation that sent tremors through the tech world, Microsoft executives were reportedly “f@#king stunned” to learn that despite years of automation efforts, thousands of actual flesh-and-blood humans still remained on their payroll.
SURPRISE MEAT BAGS FOUND HIDING IN CORPORATE STRUCTURE
Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella reportedly spat out his morning kombucha when presented with evidence that approximately 9,000 carbon-based life forms were still collecting paychecks from the tech giant.
“We thought we’d replaced all these people with our own productivity software years ago,” said an anonymous executive who requested anonymity because they’re “probably next on the chopping block.” “Turns out there were entire departments of humans just sitting around making PowerPoint presentations about other PowerPoint presentations. It’s embarrassingly inefficient.”
THE GREAT MANAGEMENT PURGE: TURNS OUT TWENTY-SEVEN PEOPLE SHOULDN’T SUPERVISE ONE TASK
The layoffs specifically targeted what insiders call “management humidity” – the inexplicable phenomenon where every simple task requires approval from multiple tiers of increasingly disconnected supervisors.
“We discovered one employee who reported to 14 different managers, none of whom knew what she actually did,” explained Dr. Firin Everyone, Microsoft’s newly appointed Chief Redundancy Eliminator. “When we interviewed her, turns out she just forwards emails between the managers all day. She’s been doing this for seven years and got three promotions.”
LINKEDIN STAFF SHOCKED TO DISCOVER THEY’RE PART OF MICROSOFT
The layoffs also hit LinkedIn, where 87% of employees reportedly posted inspirational messages about their own terminations before they’d even left the building.
“This isn’t a setback, it’s a setup for a comeback! #blessed #layofflife #unemploymentgrindset,” wrote former LinkedIn content moderator Braden Mills moments after security escorted him from the premises.
According to Dr. Payne Fullemployment, Professor of Corporate Bullsh!t at Harvard Business School, the layoffs represent a bold new strategy called “realizing we have too many damn people doing nothing important.”
“Our research shows that 62% of management positions could be replaced with a Magic 8-Ball and productivity would actually increase by 40%,” Fullemployment explained. “Microsoft is simply ahead of the curve in admitting that half their workforce is just professional meeting-attenders.”
XBOX DIVISION CUTS EVERYONE EXCEPT THE ONE GUY WHO KNOWS HOW TO FIX THE SERVERS
In what industry insiders are calling “a potential catastrophe or stroke of genius depending on how you look at it,” Microsoft’s Xbox division reportedly laid off everyone except a 23-year-old named Kevin who is the only person who understands how the backend systems work.
“We were going to let Kevin go too, but then we realized he’s the only one who knows why the servers crash every Christmas,” said Xbox head Phil Spencer. “He’s now got his own parking spot and unlimited Mountain Dew. We’re also pretending to understand what he means when he talks about ‘the forbidden code blocks.'”
Sources confirm that Microsoft plans to replace laid-off workers with its Copilot AI, which is reportedly “just as good at scheduling pointless meetings but costs roughly 100% less and complains 100% less about the quality of free snacks in the break room.”
According to entirely fabricated statistics, nearly 98.7% of Microsoft’s management decisions could be replaced by a dartboard, a coin flip, or “just asking literally any random customer what they actually want for once.”
At press time, thousands of former Microsoft employees were reportedly already receiving job offers from other tech giants eager to recreate the exact same bloated management structure Microsoft just dismantled, because apparently the tech industry hasn’t figured out that history repeats itself with the reliability of a Windows forced update.
