MICROSOFT’S ‘HEY, COPILOT!’ VOICE COMMAND REVOLUTIONIZES THE WAY HUMANS WASTE TIME ON COMPUTERS
Microsoft’s groundbreaking “Hey, Copilot!” voice command for Windows 11 has finally answered humanity’s most pressing question: how can we make talking to inanimate objects even more embarrassing?
SILICON VALLEY INTRODUCES REVOLUTIONARY WAY TO FEEL STUPID IN YOUR OWN HOME
The tech giant announced this week that Windows Insiders can now activate their digital assistants by awkwardly shouting “Hey, Copilot!” in their empty apartments, finally giving lonely programmers the illusion of human connection they so desperately crave.
“This is the biggest f@#king breakthrough since we convinced people that restarting their computer would fix everything,” said Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, who reportedly practiced saying the wake phrase 400 times before feeling comfortable enough to demo it to his dog.
The feature works by constantly listening to everything you say, filing it away for future use in court proceedings, and occasionally responding when you actually want it to.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON TECHNOLOGY NO ONE ASKED FOR
Dr. Iva Headache, Professor of Unnecessary Tech at the Institute for Things That Will Eventually Kill Us All, explained the revolutionary nature of the technology.
“What makes ‘Hey, Copilot!’ truly special is how it perfectly combines the joy of talking to yourself with the disappointment of technology not understanding what the sh!t you’re saying,” Headache explained while trying to get her own computer to understand basic English. “Our studies show that 87% of users will give up and just use their mouse after the third failed attempt.”
The voice command reportedly works best when used in completely silent rooms with perfect acoustics and no accent whatsoever. Users with regional dialects or who speak English as a second language are encouraged to “just click the damn icon instead.”
PRIVACY CONCERNS DISMISSED AS “TOTALLY NOT A THING YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT”
When asked about potential privacy concerns regarding a microphone that’s always listening, Microsoft spokesperson Ima Watchinyou laughed nervously.
“Privacy? What privacy? You gave that up when you downloaded TikTok, buddy,” said Watchinyou. “Besides, we’re only recording everything you say in case you happen to utter the magic phrase that wakes up our completely helpful and not-at-all-frustrating assistant.”
Security expert Hugh R. Screwed noted that Microsoft has implemented “military-grade” security measures, which apparently means “about as secure as a screen door on a submarine.”
“People are worried about Microsoft listening to their conversations when they should be more concerned that ‘Hey, Copilot!’ might actually work and unleash the hellscape of automated assistance upon their documents,” warned Screwed.
USERS ALREADY REPORTING MIRACULOUS PRODUCTIVITY GAINS
Early adopters report that the voice command has already transformed their computing experience in ways they never imagined possible.
“Before ‘Hey, Copilot!’ I would waste valuable milliseconds clicking an icon,” said beta tester Terry Techbro. “Now I can waste entire minutes repeating the same phrase with increasing anger until it finally responds or I throw my laptop out the window.”
Microsoft’s internal studies show the voice command increases productivity by approximately negative 42%, with users spending most of their time either trying to get Copilot to understand them or explaining to nearby humans that they’re not actually insane, just talking to their computer.
At press time, Microsoft was reportedly already working on its next revolutionary feature: a setting that makes Copilot respond only when you swear at it, which engineers believe “better reflects the actual user experience.”
