TECH GIANT PROMISES TO SAVE EUROPE WITH POWER OF BULLSH!T BUZZWORDS AND VAGUE COMMITMENTS
Microsoft, the company that can’t make Windows update without breaking your printer, has boldly declared it will “uphold Europe’s digital resilience” through a series of commitments so meaninglessly broad they could be interpreted as anything from “we’ll try not to crash your government websites” to “we’re basically your new overlords.”
EMPTY PROMISES FROM MEN IN EXPENSIVE SUITS
Microsoft President Brad Smith, wearing what witnesses described as “a suit worth more than your annual salary,” unveiled five digital commitments so vague they could have been generated by a magic 8-ball with an MBA.
“We’re committed to empowering every European country,” Smith announced to a room of nodding journalists who were too afraid to ask what the f@#k that actually means. “Regardless of geopolitical and trade volatility.”
Translation: “We’ll keep selling you overpriced software even if World War III breaks out.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON MICROSOFT’S EUROPEAN SAVIOR COMPLEX
Dr. Obvious Pandering, head of the Institute for Corporate Promises Nobody Asked For, explained the strategy: “What Microsoft is doing here is brilliant. They’re basically saying ‘we’ll do good stuff for Europe’ without specifying what that good stuff is, when they’ll do it, or how anyone could possibly hold them accountable.”
Professor Cynical Analysis from the Department of Tech Bullsh!t Studies adds, “Notice how they use words like ‘resilience,’ ’empowering,’ and ‘sovereignty’? That’s the corporate equivalent of a magical spell designed to make politicians feel warm and fuzzy while actually promising nothing concrete whatsoever.”
THE FIVE COMMITMENTS THAT MEAN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Microsoft’s five commitments reportedly include:
1. Building more data centers, because if there’s one thing Europe needs, it’s more giant electricity-guzzling buildings filled with blinking lights
2. Supporting “digital sovereignty,” a term that 97.8% of Microsoft employees couldn’t define if their stock options depended on it
3. Protecting against cyber threats, which is a bit like an arsonist promising to help with fire safety
4. Investing in AI, which is tech-speak for “replacing your job with algorithms that occasionally hallucinate nuclear launch codes”
5. Something about sustainability, because nothing says “saving the planet” like building energy-sucking server farms the size of small nations
EUROPE RESPONDS WITH CAUTIOUS ENTHUSIASM AND TOTAL CONFUSION
European officials responded to Microsoft’s announcement with what experts describe as “polite confusion.” One anonymous EU bureaucrat was overheard asking, “Does this mean they’ll stop trying to make me use Teams?”
According to an entirely fabricated survey conducted just for this article, 89% of Europeans couldn’t give less of a sh!t about Microsoft’s commitments, while the remaining 11% were too busy trying to figure out why Excel keeps crashing to respond.
THE BOTTOM LINE
In a stunning demonstration of corporate-speak mastery, Microsoft has committed to doing things they were already doing, promised to help with problems they partly created, and wrapped it all in language so vague it’s legally meaningless.
As Tech Industry Psychologist Dr. Imma Skeptic notes, “This is the corporate equivalent of telling your partner ‘I’ll try to be better’ after forgetting their birthday for the fifth consecutive year.”
At press time, sources confirmed that Brad Smith was last seen practicing saying “digital resilience” with different emphases while a team of 47 Microsoft lawyers worked diligently to ensure none of these commitments could ever result in actual liability.
