MICROSOFT UNVEILS COPILOT STUDIO: BECAUSE APPARENTLY YOUR GRANDMA STILL CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE A F@#KING COMPUTER
In a move that absolutely nobody asked for, Microsoft has unveiled its latest attempt to make computers do the work that you’re already paid too much to do. Copilot Studio now features “user-friendly automation,” a phrase that ranks just below “moist panties” on the list of combinations that make you want to projectile vomit into the nearest trash receptacle.
AUTOMATION FOR PEOPLE WHO STILL PRINT OUT THEIR EMAILS
The new feature, designed for users who find pushing elevator buttons intellectually taxing, promises to automate tasks that were already pretty f@#king simple to begin with. Microsoft engineers have reportedly spent thousands of hours ensuring that even your technologically challenged uncle who still has 47,832 unread AOL emails can now automate his workflow.
“We’ve created something truly revolutionary,” said Microsoft spokesperson Chad微软, while visibly struggling to maintain eye contact. “Now users can spend three hours setting up an automation that saves them approximately four minutes per month. It’s a real game-changer.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, IMMEDIATELY REGRET IT
Dr. Obvious Observation, professor of Redundant Technology at the University of Pointless Advancements, couldn’t contain his enthusiasm.
“What Microsoft has done here is nothing short of remarkable,” he explained while repeatedly banging his head against his desk. “They’ve taken tasks that used to require basic cognitive function and made them so simple that even a houseplant with particularly good WiFi could probably handle them.”
According to a definitely real and not at all made-up survey, 87% of office workers are “absolutely thrilled” to have yet another Microsoft product that will work perfectly 63% of the time and crash spectacularly during important presentations.
THE AUTOMATION NOBODY DESERVED BUT SOMEHOW GOT ANYWAY
Copilot Studio’s computer use agents reportedly bring “new functionality,” which is corporate-speak for “sh!t your computer could already do but now with extra steps.” The system apparently offers more benefits to users, though Microsoft remains suspiciously vague about what these benefits actually are.
Professor Idon Tcare, who holds the prestigious Chair of Technology Nobody Asked For at Silicon Valley Community College, suggests the benefits might be psychological.
“The primary benefit appears to be giving middle managers something to talk about in meetings when they have nothing of substance to contribute,” she explained. “Secondary benefits include creating the illusion of productivity while actually decreasing efficiency by 23%.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR RAPIDLY APPROACHING OBSOLESCENCE
Industry analysts predict that within five years, 99% of what you do for a living will be performed by silicon-based thinking rectangles that don’t require health insurance or bathroom breaks.
“It’s really exciting,” said Sarah Jobsworth, Chief Innovation Evangelist at a company that will definitely lay off half its workforce next quarter. “With Copilot Studio, we’re one step closer to our dream of employing zero humans while still somehow expecting people to buy our products with money they no longer earn.”
According to sources within Microsoft, the next update will include a feature that automatically generates excuses for why you’re still employed despite being objectively less useful than the rectangle that now sits on your desk judging your increasingly desperate attempts to justify your salary.
At press time, 94% of users were still trying to figure out how to turn the d@mn thing on, while the remaining 6% had already been replaced by it. Progress has never been so efficiently f@#king terrifying.
