MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES AI THAT WILL TURN YOUR BELOVED GAMING EXPERIENCES INTO SOULLESS GARBAGE
In what experts are calling “a technological advancement nobody f@#king asked for,” Microsoft has unveiled its new AI system “Muse” that promises to revolutionize game development by completely removing any trace of human creativity, passion, or joy.
THE SILICON REVOLUTION NOBODY WANTED
Microsoft’s new “World and Human Action Model” (WHAM) has been trained on tens of thousands of hours of gameplay from Ninja Theory’s “Bleeding Edge,” a game so forgettable that even the AI probably fell asleep analyzing it. This breakthrough technology aims to help developers “ideate gameplay,” which is corporate-speak for “steal ideas from existing games because original thought is too expensive.”
“This is absolutely going to transform the gaming industry,” claimed Dr. Hugh Mungus-Waste, Microsoft’s Chief Innovation Disruption Officer. “Why spend years crafting meaningful gaming experiences when our algorithm can just vomit out derivative gameplay in seconds?”
GOOGLE SAYS “HOLD MY BEER”
Not to be outdone in the race to destroy creative industries, Google has also released its own game generation system called “GameNGen,” which sources confirm is pronounced exactly as stupidly as it looks.
“We’ve created a system that can generate gaming experiences with all the soul and artistic merit of a wet paper towel,” boasted Ima Ripoff, Google’s VP of Unasked Solutions. “Soon players won’t have to endure games made with human emotion or purpose!”
DEVELOPERS REACT WITH TOTALLY RATIONAL PANIC
A survey of game developers showed that 97.8% responded to the news by either drinking heavily or updating their LinkedIn profiles. The remaining 2.2% were too busy crying to respond.
“Oh great, just what we needed,” said independent developer Sara Kodeur, while applying for jobs at Starbucks. “I spent 15 years mastering my craft only to be replaced by a f@#king PowerPoint presentation with delusions of grandeur.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE FUTURE
According to industry analyst Professor Justin Credible from the Institute of Obvious Conclusions, the future of gaming looks “absolutely sh!tty.” His research suggests that by 2026, approximately 89% of all video games will be procedurally generated nonsense designed primarily to harvest user data and sell virtual hats.
“The good news is these AI systems can only generate gameplay for games they’ve been trained on,” explained tech columnist Mike Rotch. “The bad news is that means we’ll soon be drowning in an ocean of identical games that all feel like they were designed by a committee of marketing executives who’ve never actually played a video game.”
Microsoft claims this technology will “speed up the lengthy and expensive process of game development,” a problem they apparently believe is more important than making games that don’t suck complete @ss.
In related news, a small team of human game developers is reportedly working on a revolutionary new game about fighting against soulless digital entities trying to replace human creativity. The working title is reportedly “Too Close To Home: The Microsoft Simulator.”
