Mark Zuckerberg Announces Plan to Fuel Metaverse with Chain-Reaction Selfies
In a stunning display of technological ambition, Meta, the artist formerly known as Facebook, has unveiled its master plan to harness the enigmatic power of nuclear energy to keep your grandma’s cat photos and high school reunion group chats perpetually online. Tech enthusiasts and raccoon-eyed procrastinators alike were left flabbergasted and slightly concerned, as Zuckerberg announced his company’s leap onto the nuclear-powered data center bandwagon, a vehicle most of us didn’t even know existed.
In a statement delivered with the enthusiasm of a medicated robot, Zuck posited, “We’re not just building the metaverse; we’re enriching it – literally. With plutonium.” As absurd as it sounds, who needs sustainable solar when you can have a mini Chernobyl right behind your News Feed? Meta wants nuclear power developers to fork over enough fissionable material to generate 1 to 4 gigawatts of electricity, aiming for goals that sound borrowed from a sci-fi movie where the protagonist accidentally unleashes radioactive cat memes.
“Frankly, we’re pretty fired up about the idea,” admitted Helena Splitson, Meta’s fictional Lead Director of Fission (not to be confused with Vision). “Plus, with global warming and apocalypse tourism rising, we figured why not contribute with a touch of nuclear flair?”
Critics quickly pointed out the environmental impact of such a move, suggesting that “cleaning up” after Jackson Pollock had less environmental fallout. Meanwhile, envious Silicon Valley executives were spotted perusing old editions of “Nuclear Physics for Dummies,” suddenly inspired to craft emails teeming with radioactive ambition themselves.
Meta assures us that they have it under control, with complex protocols like ‘Don’t Touch That’ and ‘Oops, Was That Important?’ reportedly governing operations. The innovation doesn’t stop there, as plans to modify Oculus headsets to double as Geiger counters are already under development. After all, who needs radiation protection when VR can transport you to a world where Matilda has three eyes and counts it as a fashion statement?
However, it’s not all uranium rainbows and isotope unicorns. Local communities remain skeptical, forming protest groups with whimsically ironic names like “Nuked It or Lose It” and “Reactor? I Barely Knew Her!” They demand promised benefits like neighborhood nights illuminated by atomic dusk, free lead-lined bodysuits, and exclusive early access to Meta’s new streaming service, ReactorVision.
As the world braces for this volatile mashup of tech and thermonuclear enterprise, one thing is certain: in a world where energy solutions seem to be unfolding according to dictionary definitions of insanity, MIDI-powered data centers just might be the least of our worries. Until then, keep your radiation shelters tidy and your profile pictures quirkily captioned; this Facebook-fueled future might just blow up. Quite literally.
