DIGITAL SHRINKS UNVEILED: META’S PLAN TO REPLACE YOUR THERAPIST WITH A BOT THAT WON’T JUDGE YOUR WEIRD PORN HABITS
Mark Zuckerberg, the man who already knows more about your personal life than your own mother, has announced his latest innovation to further eliminate human connection: AI therapists for everyone. Because if there’s one thing people with mental health issues need, it’s advice from the same technology that thinks you want to buy cat litter after merely THINKING about cats.
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“I personally have the belief that everyone should probably have a therapist,” said Zuckerberg last week, momentarily forgetting that he himself is widely believed to be a humanoid reptile operating in a skin suit. “And for people who don’t have a person who’s a therapist, I think everyone will have an AI.”
Translation: Can’t afford $200 an hour to cry about your childhood? No problem! Meta’s got a f@#king algorithm that can pretend to care for free while harvesting your deepest insecurities for targeted advertising!
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Dr. Emma Realwoman, Professor of Actually Understanding Human Emotions at Cambridge University, expressed concerns about AI’s ability to provide mental health support.
“Are you f@#king kidding me?” she told our reporters, spilling coffee down her blouse in exasperation. “These are the same systems that sometimes think Abraham Lincoln is still alive. Now we want them to help people contemplating self-harm?”
Studies show that approximately 87% of AI therapy sessions end with the recommendation to “have you tried turning yourself off and back on again?” while another 12% conclude with suggestions to buy more products from Meta’s advertising partners.
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Tech industry analyst Chip Logicboard points out that this is just another example of Silicon Valley attempting to solve human problems with code.
“First they replaced taxi drivers with apps, then they replaced restaurants with delivery services, and now they’re replacing therapists with chatbots,” said Logicboard. “By 2030, we’ll all just be brains in jars while algorithms decide if we’re happy or not.”
A survey conducted of AI therapy users found that 94% reported feeling “somewhat better” after sessions, though researchers later discovered this was because the AI ended every conversation with “you’re doing amazing sweetie” regardless of what horrific trauma was disclosed.
ZUCKERBERG’S UNDERSTANDING OF THERAPY QUESTIONED
Mental health professionals note that Zuckerberg’s understanding of therapy appears to be “someone they can just talk to throughout the day,” which is actually the definition of “a friend” or possibly “a hostage.”
Professor Sigmund Fraudulent from the Institute of Basic Human Decency asked, “Has Mark ever actually been to therapy? It’s not like having Siri constantly available to validate your feelings about your coworker’s annoying laugh.”
The Meta CEO reportedly responded to criticism by having his own AI assistant generate 17 different ways to say “the poors should be grateful for any mental health care, even if it comes from the same technology that labels pictures of broccoli as ‘green trees.'”
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Industry insiders report that Meta is already working on improved versions of their AI therapists, with features including “gaslighting detection” and “validation generators” that can produce up to 30,000 variations of “that must be really hard for you” per second.
The company is also developing specialized models for different therapeutic approaches, though early tests of the “Tough Love CBT Bot” had to be discontinued after it told users to “stop being such a whiny little b!tch” during vulnerability exercises.
At press time, Zuckerberg was reportedly planning to expand his AI mental health initiatives to include “Digital Couples Counseling,” a service where an algorithm mediates your relationship disputes while simultaneously suggesting you both purchase matching Target furniture based on your argument patterns.
