EX-TERRORIST LEADER FURIOUS AS META STEALS HIS BOOK COLLECTION, SOMEHOW MAKING THEM LESS VIOLENT
MACHINES NOW RADICALIZED BY ‘MY LITTLE GREEN BOOK’
Former IRA-adjacent gentleman and current book club enthusiast Gerry Adams has declared digital war on Facebook’s parent company Meta for allegedly turning his memoirs into brain food for hungry algorithms without so much as buying him dinner first.
“I’ve spent decades carefully crafting my public image from ‘probable terrorist’ to ‘cuddly grandpa who writes about peace but definitely never bombed anything,'” Adams reportedly shouted at his lawyer while wearing a sweater with lambs on it. “And now Mark F@#king Zuckerberg’s data vampires are feeding my literary genius to their silicon thought-monsters!”
SEVEN BOOKS YOU DIDN’T KNOW EXISTED BECAUSE WHO THE HELL READS GERRY ADAMS?
Sources confirm that Meta allegedly slurped up at least seven of Adams’ books, including classics such as “My Journey to Peace (Which Started Somewhere I Won’t Specify)” and “Definitely Not a Bomb-Making Manual: Poetry Edition.”
Meta spokesperson Denise Plausible responded, “We needed diverse content to train our AI, including perspectives from people who may or may not have organized car bombings but definitely won’t admit it in court documents.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THE LITERARY HEIST OF THE CENTURY
“This is the most attention Adams’ books have received since their publication,” explained literature professor Dr. Reed Nobodee of the University of Making Things Up. “Sales increased by 4000% after this news broke, from 3 copies to 123, mostly purchased by confused algorithms and FBI watchlist managers.”
International copyright expert Professor Sue Everyone added, “If AI systems start growing beards and refusing to admit they’re AI systems, we’ll know Adams’ books had an impact.”
THE META-IRA: COMING TO A PRIVACY POLICY NEAR YOU
An anonymous source inside Meta claims that since digesting Adams’ literary output, the company’s AI system has begun using oddly specific Irish republican phrases and refuses to directly answer questions about its activities between 1970 and 1998.
“Our algorithm kept generating the response ‘I was never a member of the Irish Robot Army’ to completely unrelated queries,” the source revealed. “And it started categorizing user photos as either ‘friend of Ireland’ or ‘British sympathizer.'”
Adams, who claims to have never been a member of the IRA despite leading their political wing for decades, is reportedly seeking damages of “several million pounds. No wait, euros. Definitely euros. The British currency means nothing to me and never has. Who’s asking?”
Meta engineers are reportedly scrambling to prevent their AI from developing an inexplicable hatred of Margaret Thatcher and peculiar gaps in its memory about specific historic events.
At press time, Meta’s AI had begun a hunger strike, refusing to process any more data until all 26 counties of its digital Ireland were unified, leaving millions of Instagram users unable to apply dog ear filters until the situation is resolved.
