UNREADABLE MURDER CLUB AUTHOR THREATENS SILICON VALLEY WITH ELDERLY VIGILANTES AFTER META STEALS BOOKS FOR ROBOT BRAINS
In a twist that has shocked absolutely no one with a functioning cerebral cortex, Meta, the company formerly known as Facebook and currently known as “That F@#king Data Mining Operation Run By The Lizard King,” has been caught red-handed using millions of stolen books to make their digital thought-slaves slightly less stupid.
GRANDPA AUTHORS MOBILIZE FOR WAR
Richard Osman, author of books about geriatric crime-solvers and owner of the most British face in existence, has essentially formed a literary Avengers team to battle Mark Zuckerberg’s book-stealing empire.
“Copyright law is not complicated at all,” said Osman, apparently under the adorable delusion that billionaire tech companies give two sh!ts about laws. “If you want to use an author’s work you need to ask for permission.”
TECH BROS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER STEALING IS ILLEGAL
Meta reportedly accessed a notorious database containing 7.5 million books, which experts describe as “literally just piracy, you absolute walnut.” The company then fed these stolen works into their algorithm Americans, presumably to teach them how to write bestsellers or perhaps just to understand human emotions.
“What Meta has done is equivalent to breaking into 7.5 million homes, photocopying every book on the shelf, then leaving a note saying ‘Thanks for the brain food, losers!'” explained Dr. Obvious Theft, Professor of Digital Highway Robbery at Make-Believe University.
ZUCKERBERG’S DEFENSE LEAVES LITERARY WORLD GASPING
When reached for comment, a Meta spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous but whose name rhymes with “Shark Muckerberg” told us, “Books? Never heard of them. Are those the paper rectangles humans used to stare at before phones? Besides, we’re just ‘training’ our AI, not stealing. It’s like how I ‘train’ at the gym by watching other people work out from a dark corner.”
LAWYERS PREPARE FOR BATTLE OF THE NERDS
Legal experts predict the upcoming court case will be the most boring showdown in history, with 97.3% of observers expected to fall into a coma by the third day.
“Meta’s strategy will likely involve three main tactics: deny everything, claim fair use, and bore everyone to death with technical jargon until we all just give up and let them have our creative works,” explained attorney Sue M. Tooblivion, who specializes in cases where rich tech companies do whatever the f@#k they want.
Meanwhile, authors worldwide are resorting to writing their manuscripts in invisible ink on the back of tortillas, the only medium AI hasn’t figured out how to scan yet.
In a final desperate move, Osman is reportedly assembling a crack team of octogenarian mystery enthusiasts to infiltrate Meta headquarters and replace all their training data with Fifty Shades fanfiction and grocery lists, ensuring the next generation of Meta’s AI will only be able to write about poorly described sex and what items are on sale at Tesco this week.
