ZUCKERBERG SIGNS DEAL WITH NUCLEAR PLANT, PROMISES DATA WILL NOW BE “RADIOACTIVE” INSTEAD OF JUST “TOXIC”
In a move that has energy experts asking “what the f@#k could possibly go wrong?”, Meta announced Tuesday it has signed a 20-year agreement with Constellation Energy to power its AI systems using a nuclear reactor in Illinois. Because apparently the company responsible for your aunt’s conspiracy theories needs MORE power.
NUCLEAR-POWERED FRIEND SUGGESTIONS
The deal marks Meta’s first foray into nuclear energy, joining fellow tech giants Google and Microsoft in their quest to consume electricity at rates previously only seen in science fiction dystopias. Industry analysts predict AI systems will soon require more power than several small countries combined, all so an algorithm can determine which ex you should definitely not be stalking at 2am.
“This partnership ensures our AI systems will have the energy needed to continue misunderstanding your search queries for decades to come,” said Meta spokesperson Donna Givafuk. “We’re especially excited about the potential for nuclear-powered friend suggestions that will be even more bewilderingly inappropriate than before.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN
Dr. Meltdown Imminent, nuclear safety expert at the Institute of Obviously Bad Ideas, expressed mild concern: “Combining unstable nuclear reactions with unstable social media algorithms? What could possibly happen except the digital equivalent of Chernobyl? I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
According to Meta’s internal research, which we completely made up, the company anticipates its AI systems will consume roughly 4.7 sh!tloads of electricity by 2026, approximately equal to the power needs of 12 million homes or one teenager’s TikTok habit.
MICROSOFT TAKES THINGS A STEP FURTHER
Not to be outdone, Microsoft announced plans to restart the infamous Three Mile Island nuclear plant to power its own AI systems. Because apparently the company looked at America’s most catastrophic nuclear incident and thought, “perfect spot for our servers!”
Professor Isthis Abad-Idea of the Center for Questioning Corporate Decision-Making noted: “Microsoft reactivating Three Mile Island is like hiring Jeffrey Dahmer as your personal chef because his kitchen has nice appliances.”
ESCALATING TECH ENERGY WARS
Sources inside the industry reveal Google is now negotiating with France to purchase seven nuclear submarines, while Apple is reportedly in talks with aliens from Zeta Reticuli for access to antimatter technology.
Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg defended the nuclear deal, stating, “Our commitment to privacy remains unchanged. We’ll continue invading yours, but now with atom-splitting efficiency.”
The company promises the nuclear-powered AI will introduce exciting new features, including targeted ads that literally follow you into your dreams and the ability to accurately predict which of your relationships are about to meltdown, much like their power source.
At press time, Meta engineers were busy training their AI to recognize the difference between a nuclear reactor control room and a Facebook comment section, noting that “only one of these contains truly toxic material.”
