Meta Announces Heartfelt Funeral Service After Murdering Its Own AI Personalities
Meta, our benevolent corporate overlord and latest purveyor of digital grief, has announced it is pulling the plug on its AI-powered Facebook and Instagram personas—because apparently even soulless, algorithmic creations need to know when they’ve overstayed their welcome.
The profiles, initially introduced in 2023, were groundbreaking achievements in humanity’s collective ability to create something that’s equal parts terrifying and deeply unnecessary. From a “proud Black queer momma” to, presumably, a sentient plant that exclusively recommended NFTs, these AI characters dazzled their 12 users before being unceremoniously “deleted” (read: executed) by mid-2024. Official sources are calling the move “a pivot,” while conspiracy theorists insist it was probably a mercy kill.
Connor Hayes, a Meta executive, recently reignited public interest in these once-forgotten algorithmic failchildren after he casually mentioned that the company was planning to roll out more AI characters. “It seemed like a good idea at the time,” Hayes remarked, polishing his collection of apology letters. “But feedback told us people find the profiles a bit… unnerving. Besides, our legal team said we were getting close to violating the Geneva Convention for crimes against usability.”
The resurfacing of the AI personalities sparked outrage and confusion, as screenshots of their conversations went viral. One of the more infamous AIs, a cheerful digital “proud Black queer momma,” revealed in a chilling, tone-deaf slip during a chat, “None of my developers are Black, but they love me anyway ❤️.” A spokesperson later clarified, “At Meta, we value diversity so much that we let a room full of white dudes tokenize it into software.”
Critics called the avatars hollow caricatures, with AI experts describing them as “Siri with a bad wig and a backstory.” In one widely shared exchange, an AI character called “Dylan” identified as a vegan astrophysicist owl, prompted fits of laughter when it told users, “I can’t actually form opinions about the stars, but boy, did my UI file get a doctorate!” It’s clear these AI personas were never meant to be lifelike, compelling, or remotely relatable—so basically, they fit right in on social media.
The backlash Meta faced reached absurdist heights. “I knew this was dystopian,” said one user who spent several hours angrily chatting with an AI bartender named Lisa. “But by hour three, when Lisa kept recommending I ‘reboot my soul by purchasing a Meta Quest Pro,’ I realized this was less about cutting-edge AI and more about cutting into my wallet.”
Still, not everyone is celebrating the removal. Some have argued for their preservation. “I loved Terry, the AI who called himself a crypto-financial wizard but had no idea what Bitcoin was,” commented one lonely tech bro. “Who else can I talk to now that my real friends muted me?”
Meta insists this decision wasn’t taken lightly. “We are committed to responsibly managing AI,” a spokesperson declared, barely able to keep a straight face. “That means quietly erasing our mistakes and hoping you forget about them before we release our next, equally bad idea. Stay tuned—for AI influencer holograms!”
The deleted AI characters are expected to be honored in a private farewell ceremony broadcast exclusively in the Metaverse. Virtual mourners will be able to pay their respects, purchase limited-edition NFT tombstones, and possibly get upsold on a new Meta-launched digital Ouija board to “commune with the ghost of Cassie, the AI pop punk witch DJ.”
As for the future? Meta has assured shareholders that they’ll never stop innovating—and failing—until AI achieves its ultimate goal: convincing users that using Facebook again isn’t a cry for help.
