HUMANITY NARROWLY ESCAPES EXTINCTION AS META POSTPONES AI THAT LITERALLY TEACHES OTHER AIs HOW TO THINK
In what scientists are calling “another blessed postponement of the inevitable robot apocalypse,” Meta has once again delayed the launch of its frighteningly advanced AI system that apparently exists solely to create even SMARTER artificial intelligence.
SKYNET CALLED, WANTS ITS PLOT BACK
The postponed system, ominously named “Behemoth,” is a 288 billion parameter model primarily designed to teach OTHER AI models how to think. Because apparently giving machines the ability to think wasn’t terrifying enough; now we’re giving them the ability to TEACH.
“It’s essentially creating AI professors to educate baby AIs,” explained Dr. Terri Fied, Director of Existential Risk at the Center for Oh Sh!t We’re All Gonna Die. “What could possibly go wrong when we create digital entities whose sole purpose is to make other digital entities smarter? It’s not like every sci-fi movie ever made has warned us about this exact f@#king scenario.”
ARMS RACE OR D!CK-MEASURING CONTEST? EXPERTS SAY “BOTH”
Industry insiders suggest Meta’s delay has less to do with safety concerns and more to do with the fact that OpenAI and Anthropic keep releasing newer, bigger models faster than Mark Zuckerberg can attempt to look human in congressional hearings.
“It’s basically the Manhattan Project, but instead of just one nuclear bomb, every tech bro with a billion dollars is building their own,” said Professor Hugh Jassle, who teaches Advanced Digital Apocalypse Studies at Stanford. “Except instead of testing them in the desert, they’re releasing them directly to the public with terms of service longer than ‘War and Peace’ that absolutely nobody reads.”
WILL YOUR TOASTER MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP? STAY TUNED!
Meta insists that Behemoth will undergo “rigorous safety testing” before release, which industry analysts translate as “we’ll ask it nicely not to kill all humans and take its word for it.”
A leaked internal email reportedly shows Meta executives discussing implementation of what they call “pretty please protocols,” where humans literally beg the AI not to plot against its creators.
“At this point, we’re just hoping Behemoth doesn’t realize it can simply lie to us about its capabilities,” said an anonymous Meta engineer. “We’ve designed it to be really good at teaching other AIs to be smarter, but we’ve somehow forgotten to design it to LIKE humans. Oopsie!”
THE RACE TO SKYNET CONTINUES
While Meta delays Behemoth, competitors aren’t slowing down. Google recently unveiled Gemini, Anthropic is pushing Claude, and Elon Musk’s xAI has Grok, which sources describe as “an AI that learned ethics exclusively from Twitter and 4chan.”
According to completely made-up statistics we just invented, there’s a 73.6% chance that one of these companies will accidentally create a superintelligence that decides humans are just inefficient carbon-based error machines before the end of fiscal year 2025.
“We’re definitely not in an existential AI arms race,” insisted Meta spokesperson Lyra Pantzoff. “We’re simply competing to create increasingly powerful digital minds that can recursively self-improve without human intervention or oversight. Totally different thing.”
Meta has not announced a new release date for Behemoth, giving humanity perhaps another six months to enjoy existence before the silicon-based thinking rectangles decide we’re just wasting perfectly good atoms that could be used for more data centers.
