Meta Buys Hollywood: Celebrities Shocked to Discover Their Voices Now Belong to Zuckerbot 9000
In a bold move that has left Tinseltown reeling, Meta has announced its latest venture: hiring celebrities not to act, sing, or dance, but to lend their dulcet tones to the all-knowing AI overlord, the Zuckerbot 9000. Rumor has it that stars like Awkwafina and Judi Dench were enticed with offers resembling the GDP of small nations to ensure their voices will be immortalized—even if their careers aren’t.
According to Meta spokesperson Ima Bot, “This isn’t just a job; it’s a lifestyle. We’re providing our celebrity friends with the opportunity to wake up every morning knowing they’re the voice of every passive-aggressive DM, misheard Instagram reel, and Ray-Ban smart glass hallucination.”
Insiders reveal a feeding frenzy among talent agencies, with A-list clients fighting for the privilege to sell their vocal cords to a tech giant rather than, you know, use them to perform. “It’s groundbreaking,” says renowned vocal entrepreneur Diva Vox, “Say goodbye to script reading and hello to reading Zuckerberg’s mind!”
Scheduled to finalize this “voicetastrophy” before Meta Connect, the real challenge isn’t in securing these celebrity deals but rather in ensuring the Zuckerbot 9000 can convincingly mimic personalities ranging from Keegan-Michael Key’s comedic finesse to Judi Dench’s scenic gravitas—all tasks that AI excels at, allegedly.
As the project rolled out, Mark Zuckerberg envisaged a picturesque utopia reminiscent of a sci-fi B-movie, predicting “a future where none of us have to communicate in person and everything is handled by a celebrity wannabe-Bot.” Enterprising developers are already salivating at the thought of a virtual world where Siri is an understudy and everyone else just plays candy crush while bots wage verbal battles over world peace.
But there’s also skepticism that Meta might just be turning Hollywood into a microcosm of its Metaverse ambitions—where everything looks almost human, but you kind of wish it wasn’t. “We tried this with pseudo-bots once,” confesses social observer Ana Logic. “Apparently, having Gary Busey’s voice navigate your emails isn’t exactly what you’d call intuitive.”
While the rumors fly, we can already see one outcome: the Oscar for best AI narration in a break-up text is going to be competitive this year. As millions eagerly await their own personalized AI assistant that sounds somewhat like Samuel L. Jackson but more interested in their breakfast choices, the entertainment world takes a collective step closer to the uncanny valley.
Only one thing is for certain—whatever happens next, it’s going to be voiced by someone fabulously famous who probably should’ve known better.
