FACEBOOK JUST OFFERED TO RUN YOUR BUSINESS WHILE YOU TAKE A NAP
Meta’s New AI Ad System Will Let Your Product Images Sleep Around Behind Your Back
BY UNEMPLOYED MARKETING EXECUTIVE WHO DEFINITELY ISN’T SWEATING PROFUSELY
In a move that absolutely won’t destroy thousands of marketing jobs, Facebook parent company Meta announced plans to fully automate the advertising process by 2026, allowing businesses to create ads using just a product image and a “please take my money” button.
ZUCK JUST MADE YOUR MARKETING DEGREE WORTH LESS THAN A BLOCKBUSTER GIFT CARD
The revolutionary system will eliminate the need for human creativity, strategic thinking, or basic dignity in advertising. Companies will simply upload product images and hand over their budgets, then watch as AI creates, targets, and places ads with the efficiency of a sociopath with a spreadsheet.
“This is the natural evolution of advertising,” explained Dr. Irma Gunnalose-Myjob, Meta’s Chief Human Redundancy Officer. “We looked at the advertising industry and thought, ‘What if we took all those annoying people with ideas and replaced them with an algorithm that can produce mediocrity at scale?'”
The AI system promises to create personalized ads that adapt in real-time based on user data. For example, if you’re in the mountains, a car ad might show mountain scenery; if you’re in the city, it’ll show urban streets; and if you’re having a mental breakdown at 3 AM, it’ll show you therapists who definitely can’t help you because they’re also being replaced by AI.
SMALL BUSINESSES EXCITED TO HAND OVER LAST REMAINING CONTROL OF THEIR DESTINY
Meta’s automated system is supposedly aimed at small businesses lacking marketing staff, promising professional-grade advertising without all those pesky humans asking for things like “payment” and “healthcare.”
“As a small business owner, I’m thrilled to have absolutely no say in how my products are marketed,” said Sally Gullible, owner of Handcrafted Sh*t Nobody Needs. “I can’t wait to see what an algorithm decides is the essence of my brand that took me 15 years to build.”
Internal documents reveal that Meta actually tested the system on 500 businesses last year. When asked about the results, spokesman Mike Candid admitted, “Well, 78% of the ads featured product images inexplicably placed in dystopian hellscapes, and about 12% somehow became communist manifestos. But the click-through rates were f@#king phenomenal!”
ADVERTISING AGENCIES CONTINUE WHISTLING PAST THE GRAVEYARD
The advertising industry has responded with the kind of forced optimism typically reserved for terminal disease diagnoses.
“We’re not worried,” said Chad Billington, Chief Creative Officer at Soon-To-Be-Bankrupt & Partners. “There’s still a place for human creativity in advertising. It’s just going to be more of a… um… supervisory role. Like how elevator operators evolved into… oh sh!t.”
Meta’s algorithm is reportedly so advanced it can even generate those insufferable marketing buzzwords everyone pretends to understand. In early tests, it created campaigns promising “synergistic brand ecosystems” and “authentically disruptive consumer journeys” that performed 42% better than ads making any actual sense.
EXPERTS WONDER: IS THIS THE STUPIDEST F@#KING IDEA EVER?
Professor Hugh Manvaluestillmatter of the Institute for Not Replacing Everything With Robots questioned the wisdom of removing all human input from advertising.
“Advertising has always been about understanding human emotion and cultural context,” he explained while updating his LinkedIn profile to “AI PROMPT ENGINEER.” “But sure, let’s have algorithms that still sometimes think birds are real try to connect with consumers on a deep emotional level. What could possibly go wrong?”
The system reportedly includes advanced features that allow it to create emotional connections with viewers, despite being programmed by engineers whose emotional range extends from “mild annoyance” to “slightly less mild annoyance.”
Meanwhile, 97% of Meta’s revenue already comes from advertising, leading industry observers to wonder if this is just Zuckerberg’s clever way of eliminating the middleman between you and his yacht collection.
MARKETING GRADUATES NOW CONSIDERING CAREERS IN COAL MINING
A survey of recent marketing graduates found that 89% are “completely f@#king terrified” about their career prospects, with many now considering alternative careers like professional TikTok commenter or artisanal oxygen breather.
Meta executives insist that the technology will create new jobs, though they struggled to name any that wouldn’t eventually be done by the same AI.
“There will always be a need for humans to… um… to… hmm,” said Meta spokesperson Alexa Notarobot before staring blankly into the middle distance for several minutes.
At press time, this article was being rewritten by an AI that promises to eliminate the need for human satire writers who insist on being paid for their work. Thank god you’re still reading us while we’re allowed to exist!
