ZUCKERBERG’S DIGITAL KOALA FARM: META DEMANDS RIGHT TO HARVEST AUSSIE BRAIN DROPPINGS FOR AI OVERLORD
Meta, the company that turned your aunt into a conspiracy theorist, is now fighting for its God-given right to slurp up Australians’ personal information like a drunk backpacker chugging Foster’s. The tech behemoth claims its artificial intelligence desperately needs to understand “Australian concepts” such as how to properly say “G’day,” identify a drop bear, and determine which prime ministers are acceptable to throw into the ocean.
STREWTH, THAT’S A LOT OF BULLS#!T
In what experts are calling “the most transparent f@#king excuse since ‘the dog ate my homework,'” Meta has submitted paperwork begging the Australian government not to implement privacy laws that would prevent the company from feeding your embarrassing beach photos and drunk rants about The Bachelor into its hungry data maws.
“Our poor innocent AI will never understand the unique cultural nuance of telling someone to ‘get f@#ked’ as both an insult and term of endearment if we can’t harvest every personal thought Australians post online,” explained Meta spokesperson Blatant Lyington.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, IMMEDIATELY REGRET IT
Professor Kant Makeuthisup from the University of Common Sense described Meta’s position as “complete digital dingo droppings.”
“What they’re essentially saying is ‘We need to violate your privacy to teach our computer how to understand you better so we can violate your privacy more effectively in the future,'” she explained while repeatedly banging her head against her desk.
Dr. Seymour Datamining, Meta’s Chief Information Acquisition Officer, defended the company’s position: “Without unfettered access to Australians’ personal information, our AI might think ‘thongs’ are exclusively underwear rather than footwear. Is that the kind of digital apocalypse you want? IS IT?”
THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE, BUT WE MIGHT
Internal research conducted by Definitely Real Statistics Inc. shows that 94.7% of Australian concepts can only be properly understood by analyzing private conversations about Bunnings sausage sizzles and which politician most deserves to be eaten by a crocodile.
Meta’s submission to the Productivity Commission argued for “global policy alignment,” which insiders translate as “please make your laws as weak as possible so we can continue to do whatever the hell we want.”
LOCAL REACTION PROVES META’S POINT
Australian social media users reacted to the news with what Meta’s AI identified as “87% confusion, 13% words we don’t understand but assume are profanity.”
“If they want to understand Australian concepts, why don’t they just watch Crocodile Dundee like everyone else?” posted user @VegemiteTruth on a platform that Meta is definitely harvesting data from right now.
ZUCK’S FINAL STAND
In a last-ditch effort to sway public opinion, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly attempted to demonstrate his company’s understanding of Australian culture by greeting the Prime Minister with “G’day mate, throw another privacy protection on the barbie!”
As of press time, Meta is working on a compromise solution where they’ll only collect personal information from “the least private 95% of posts” and in exchange, they promise to teach their AI how to properly pronounce “Melbourne” without sounding like a total wanker.
Remember folks, it’s not surveillance if they’re doing it to better understand how you like your Tim Tams!
