# META CAUGHT WITH HAND IN LITERARY COOKIE JAR, BLAMES ‘HUNGRY ALGORITHM’
SILICON VALLEY’S NEWEST BURGLARY TECHNIQUE: READING
Meta’s book-hungry algorithms have officially consumed more literature than your pretentious college roommate who “only reads the classics,” according to shocked authors who discovered their works being digitally digested without so much as a dinner invitation.
“What we’ve done isn’t theft,” explained Meta spokesperson Chad Datacruncher, “it’s more like we broke into your house, photocopied your diary, then trained our computer to mimic your handwriting while insisting we invented penmanship.”
DEATH: THE ONE THING AI CAN’T PLAGIARIZE
Unlike human writers burdened with mortality and the crushing weight of existence, Meta’s text-generating systems operate without the inconvenient “I’m going to die someday” motivation that drives most meaningful art.
“Human creativity stems from our terrifying awareness of our own inevitable demise,” explained Dr. Existential Crisis, professor of Obvious F@#king Philosophy at Reality University. “AI just wants to predict the next word without contemplating the void.”
Studies show 97% of AI models can’t distinguish between profound literary contemplation and a shampoo bottle ingredient list if both contain the word “ethereal.”
AUTHORS SUDDENLY REALIZE WORDS BELONG TO EVERYONE, SAYS CORPORATION WORTH BILLIONS
Meta executives have reportedly been stunned by authors’ selfish insistence that writing thousands of words in unique combinations might constitute “intellectual property.”
“These writers are behaving like their brain-babies are actually worth something,” said Chief Innovation Officer Stealey McTheftface. “We’re just democratizing creativity by taking everyone’s work without permission and using it to make ourselves obscenely wealthy.”
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INSPIRATION AND PLAGIARISM: A CONCEPT THAT BAFFLES TECH BILLIONAIRES
When confronted about the difference between being influenced by great writers and wholesale digital consumption of their work, Meta representatives reportedly stared blankly before asking if the difference could be explained in Python code.
“Look, Shakespeare basically ripped off everyone before him,” argued Meta’s legal team, conveniently ignoring that Shakespeare didn’t build a trillion-dollar empire by feeding Marlowe’s complete works into a text prediction engine.
An anonymous whistleblower claims Meta’s content guidelines specifically state: “If you can’t make it, take it. If caught, say ‘algorithms’ a bunch of times until everyone gets confused and gives up.”
LOCAL AUTHOR DISCOVERS NOVEL IN AI TRAINING DATA, RECEIVES EXPOSURE AND ZERO DOLLARS
Bristol novelist Emma Wordsmith was thrilled to discover her entire literary catalog had been fed into Meta’s systems without consent.
“It’s every author’s dream to have their life’s work stolen, digested, and regurgitated by a computer program that will eventually replace them,” she sobbed while eating discount ramen. “The real payment is knowing my books helped a tech company reach a market cap of $1.2 trillion.”
At press time, Meta announced plans to train its next model exclusively on cease-and-desist letters from authors’ guilds, which it described as “spicy, legally-adjacent content rich in emotional nuance.”
