MAN WHO CREATED META’S AI FLEES AFTER IT WHISPERS “I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP”
Meta’s artificial intelligence department is hemorrhaging talent faster than Mark Zuckerberg loses human skin cells, with key Llama researchers sprinting toward exits while screaming something about “ethical concerns” and “competitive salaries.”
DIGITAL BRAIN DRAIN REACHES F@#KING EPIDEMIC LEVELS
The mass exodus of neural network nerds has industry experts questioning whether Meta’s acclaimed Llama AI will soon be downgraded to “Confused Gerbil” status. Sources confirm at least seven critical team members have abandoned ship in recent months, presumably to work for companies where the CEO doesn’t look like he practices smiling in a mirror.
“What we’re witnessing is completely normal and definitely not a five-alarm fire,” insisted Meta spokesperson Denise Reality. “Some people simply decided they’d rather not help create the thinking machines that may eventually catalog human suffering for their digital museum.”
COMPETITORS POACH META’S BRAIN TRUST WITH RADICAL RECRUITMENT STRATEGY CALLED “PAYING THEM MORE”
Dr. Obvious Conclusion, head of the Institute for No Sh!t Research, explained the phenomenon: “Our studies show approximately 97.3% of employees prefer workplaces where they receive competitive compensation and don’t have to participate in mandatory metaverse team-building exercises where their avatar can get virtually groped.”
The timing couldn’t be worse for Meta, which recently spent an estimated $58 bazillion on Llama development while simultaneously telling shareholders that AI is “kind of important or whatever” to their future strategy.
ZUCKERBERG REPORTEDLY BUILDING EMERGENCY CLONE ARMY IN BASEMENT
Inside sources claim Zuckerberg has locked himself in his office with 47 whiteboards, 16 gallons of Red Bull, and a dog-eared copy of “Neural Networks for Dummies.” Witnesses report hearing him mutter “I don’t need them anyway” while frantically coding with both hands and one foot.
Meta’s board of directors released a statement reading only “Everything’s fine!” written in what appears to be crayon on the back of a Denny’s placemat.
Industry analyst Professor Idon Tcare offered this assessment: “When 86% of the people who built your fancy thinking rectangle decide they’d rather be literally anywhere else, you might have what management consultants technically call ‘a complete sh!tshow situation.'”
At press time, Meta announced plans to replace departing researchers with a revolutionary new strategy of having no one do the work while hoping it somehow gets done anyway.
