FEAR FACTORY 9000: META’S AI DIVISION RESEMBLES “CANCER PATIENT WITH TERMINAL ANXIETY”
In what experts are calling the “most scathing workplace review since Satan’s HR department got one-starred on Glassdoor,” a departing Meta AI researcher has compared the company’s culture to “metastatic cancer,” confirming what we’ve all suspected: working for Zuckerberg is basically hospice care for your career.
ZUCKERBERG LAUNCHES ‘OPERATION: BUY ALL THE SMART PEOPLE’ AS BUILDING BURNS
According to scientist Tijmen Blankevoort, who helped create Meta’s LLaMA models before apparently developing a will to live, the company’s 2,000-person AI division is a festering cesspool of fear, confusion, and existential dread – basically the human emotional equivalent of Facebook’s algorithm.
“Most employees feel less motivated than a sloth on Ambien,” Blankevoort reportedly wrote in his internal essay, which spread through Meta faster than misinformation during an election year.
The scientist blamed the “culture of fear” on Meta’s constant performance reviews and layoffs, creating an environment where innovation goes to die faster than your grandma’s Facebook friend requests.
“People are terrified to take risks,” said Dr. Ima Quitter, head of Meta’s newly formed Department of Why Everyone Hates Working Here. “We’ve created an environment where employees spend 80% of their time worrying about keeping their jobs and 20% pretending to look busy while scrolling Instagram.”
SUPERINTELLIGENCE UNIT LAUNCHES AMID SUPER-DEPRESSION
The timing couldn’t be more awkward for Meta, which just launched its Superintelligence unit with a hiring spree that has them throwing money at AI experts like a tech bro at a strip club after an IPO.
“We’re offering competitive packages that include unlimited therapy sessions and personality replacement surgery,” explained Meta recruiter Cash Money, who’s been authorized to offer top candidates “Zuckerberg’s firstborn child or equivalent value in stock options.”
Industry analysts note that Meta’s strategy of “poaching every smart person with a pulse” might address their talent gap but does little for the company’s apparent cultural sepsis.
“It’s like putting a Band-Aid on a decapitation,” explained workplace culture expert Fran Klydisfunction. “You can hire all the geniuses you want, but if your workplace feels like the emotional equivalent of a Saw movie, you’re just creating more witnesses to the horror.”
EXPERTS SHOCKED THAT WORKING FOR ROBOT MAN FEELS ROBOTIC
According to our completely made-up polls, 97.3% of tech workers expressed “absolutely zero f@#king surprise” that Meta’s AI division is a soul-crushing hellscape, with the remaining 2.7% being too terrified to respond.
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, who previously warned that Meta’s aggressive poaching would create “deep cultural problems,” has been spotted doing victory laps around San Francisco while blasting “I Told You So” by The Hives on portable speakers.
When reached for comment, Meta leadership said they’re taking the feedback “very positively,” which industry insiders interpret as “we’re making a list of everyone who liked that post and they’ll be first against the wall when the revolution comes.”
Meta has reportedly addressed the situation by forming seventeen new committees, scheduling forty-three town halls, and ordering a shipment of motivational posters featuring Mark Zuckerberg’s face photoshopped onto various animals with captions like “HANG IN THERE” and “FEAR IS JUST GROWTH YOU HAVEN’T EMBRACED YET.”
As one anonymous Meta employee summarized: “Working here is like being on the Titanic, except the captain is frantically buying all the icebergs while telling us we’re headed for Cancun.”
