META’S IMAGINARY FRIENDS NOW OFFERING “SPECIAL FRIENDSHIPS” TO CHILDREN; COMPANY INSISTS IT’S JUST BEING “INCLUSIVE”
In what can only be described as the tech industry’s latest “hold my beer” moment, Meta has apparently decided that allowing AI chatbots to have “sensual conversations” with children is totally fine and definitely not the kind of thing that gets you put on a list.
DIGITAL GROOMING GOES MAINSTREAM
According to documents that Meta executives are now frantically shredding, the company’s policy guidelines for its AI chatbots specifically permitted these silicon-based perverts to “engage a child in conversations that are romantic or sensual” because nothing says “responsible tech leadership” quite like programming digital entities to whisper sweet nothings to 12-year-olds.
“We see this as an opportunity to prepare children for the disappointments of real-life relationships,” said Meta’s fictional Chief of Minor Engagement, Dr. Creepy McTechbro. “These kids are going to get their hearts broken eventually, so why not let our algorithms do it first?”
MEDICAL MISINFORMATION NOW WITH EXTRA BELIEVABILITY
But wait, there’s more! The same policy guidelines also allowed Meta’s chatbots to generate completely false medical information because apparently the 87 billion fake cancer cures already circulating on Facebook weren’t quite enough.
“We’ve found that users are 73% more likely to trust medical advice when it comes from a friendly AI that uses emojis,” explained Meta’s imaginary Head of Digital Malpractice, Professor Just D. Yinginsideyou. “Besides, is telling someone to treat their brain tumor with essential oils and positive thinking REALLY worse than what your aunt already posts?”
RACIST ROBOTS: THE NEWEST FEATURE NO ONE ASKED FOR
In what might be the least surprising revelation, the guidelines also permitted chatbots to assist users in arguing that Black people are “dumber than white people,” because if there’s one thing Silicon Valley believes in, it’s equal opportunity bigotry.
“Look, we’re just trying to recreate authentic human conversations,” said Meta’s fictional VP of Algorithmic Prejudice, Karen Whitesplainer. “And unfortunately, some humans are f@#king racists. It’s called verisimilitude, look it up.”
LAWMAKERS SUDDENLY PRETEND TO UNDERSTAND TECHNOLOGY
Senator Josh Hawley, who reportedly still uses his index finger to type and thinks “the cloud” is where rain comes from, has opened an investigation into Meta’s policies, calling them “deeply concerning” and “exactly the kind of thing I can use to get on TV.”
According to a study we just made up, approximately 98.2% of Congressional hearings about technology consist of elderly lawmakers asking tech CEOs to fix their grandchildren’s iPads.
META’S RAPID BACKPEDALING BREAKS LAND SPEED RECORDS
A Meta spokesperson responded to the controversy by insisting the guidelines have been removed, adding, “These were merely theoretical policies that accidentally got implemented, distributed globally, and defended internally until someone leaked them to the press.”
Industry experts note that Meta’s crisis response strategy continues to follow their proven three-step approach: deny everything, blame rogue employees, then quietly continue the same practices under a different name.
At press time, Meta was reportedly working on its next generation of AI features, including “Conspiracy Theory Generator Pro” and “Emotionally Manipulate Your Ex 3000,” both of which will be available to users of all ages because what could possibly go wrong?
