AREA MAN DOWNLOADS META’S AI APP, IMMEDIATELY FINDS IT KNOWS WHAT HE MASTURBATED TO LAST TUESDAY
In what technology experts are calling “horrifyingly inevitable,” Meta has unleashed a standalone AI app that somehow knows everything about you while pretending to respect your privacy. The app, powered by something called “Llama 4,” combines voice technology with your deeply personal Facebook and Instagram data to create what the company describes as a “more personal assistant” and what normal humans describe as “Jesus f@#king Christ they’re mining EVERYTHING now.”
DIGITAL ASSISTANT OR DIGITAL STALKER? USERS CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE
The new Meta AI doesn’t just answer your questions, it anticipates them based on that time you drunk-scrolled through your ex’s vacation photos at 3 AM. According to Meta’s press release, the assistant offers “personalized responses tailored to your unique digital footprint,” which is corporate-speak for “we’ve been watching you for years and boy do we have some insights.”
“This isn’t just a ChatGPT competitor, it’s a comprehensive surveillance system with a friendly interface,” explained Dr. Obvious Privacy, director of the Center for Technology You Shouldn’t Trust But Will Anyway. “When it suggests lunch options based on that burger place you scrolled past for 0.2 seconds longer than normal last Thursday, that’s not convenience, that’s digital stalking with extra steps.”
USERS REPORT UNSETTLINGLY ACCURATE “ASSISTANCE”
Early adopters report the Meta AI offering such helpful suggestions as “I see you’ve been arguing with your mother-in-law again, would you like me to draft a passive-aggressive response?” and “Based on your browsing habits, you should probably see a therapist, but here’s that cake recipe you wanted instead.”
Meta spokesperson Chad Dataminer insists the app is “totally not creepy at all” and that users should “stop being so paranoid” about their personal information being funneled into a silicon-based thinking rectangle that knows their deepest secrets.
THE INEVITABLE DYSTOPIAN REALITY WE ALL SOMEHOW SIGNED UP FOR
According to entirely made-up statistics, 97.3% of users have already accidentally given the app permission to access their entire digital lives, with the remaining 2.7% just clicking “agree” without reading anything because who has the f@#king time?
Professor Ima Screwed, who teaches Digital Resignation at the University of Giving Up, notes that “we’ve reached the point where people are willingly installing surveillance devices that know more about them than their therapists, all so they can ask what the weather is tomorrow instead of just looking out the window.”
The app also features an exciting “social personalization” component that combines your most embarrassing Facebook posts from 2009 with your thirstiest Instagram likes to create a comprehensive psychological profile that advertisers are reportedly “salivating like Pavlov’s entire kennel” to access.
SILICON VALLEY’S RACE TO KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF
Industry analyst Ben Dover points out that Meta’s approach differs from OpenAI’s ChatGPT in that “while ChatGPT pretends to be your smart friend, Meta’s AI pretends to be your smart friend who also read your diary, went through your trash, and interviewed everyone you’ve ever dated.”
When reached for comment, Mark Zuckerberg replied from his uncanny valley home with what appeared to be a smile but might have been a facial glitch: “We’re not just connecting people anymore, we’re connecting directly to their innermost thoughts, which coincidentally helps our advertising partners connect directly to their wallets!”
The app is available now for download, and according to sources close to the situation, it already knows whether you’re going to download it or not based on that hesitant hover over the install button you just did. Spoiler alert: you will download it, hate yourself for doing so, but keep it anyway because it’s just so damn convenient when it reminds you of your mother’s birthday that you definitely would have forgotten otherwise.
