MATH NERD WARNS: YOUR ‘FACTS’ ARE ABOUT AS RELIABLE AS A DRUNK OCTOPUS THROWING DARTS
In what can only be described as the academic equivalent of screaming “we’re all f@#ked” into the void, prominent mathematician and epidemiologist Adam Kucharski has released a new book essentially telling us that everything we think we know is complete bullsh!t.
TRUTH NOW COMES WITH AN EXPIRATION DATE, APPARENTLY
Speaking from his ivory tower at the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine, Kucharski, who advised governments during Ebola and Covid outbreaks when they were desperately trying not to look incompetent, dropped the bombshell that “truth is the daughter of time.” Which is just a fancy way of saying “I’ll be proven right eventually, you impatient bastards.”
MATHEMATICIAN DISCOVERS THAT WAITING FOR DEFINITIVE PROOF IS LUXURY NOBODY CAN AFFORD
“We’re living in an era where our concepts of what we can prove are shifting faster than a politician’s promises,” Kucharski probably said while staring intensely at differential equations that would make your brain melt. “Between AI generating convincing horsesh!t and social media spreading it at light speed, we’re basically swimming in an ocean of mental diarrhea while trying to find clean water.”
EXPERTS CONFIRM PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE LITERALLY ANY GARBAGE THEY SEE ONLINE
“The problem isn’t just misinformation, it’s that humans are pathetically easy to fool,” explained Dr. Gull I. Bull, Professor of Applied Stupidity at the University of Common Sense. “About 94.2% of people will accept any statistic that sounds remotely official, especially if it confirms what they already believe.”
SOCIETY NOW OPERATING ON “VIBES-BASED EVIDENCE SYSTEM”
According to Kucharski’s research, we’ve abandoned traditional standards of proof in favor of whatever feels right in the moment. Studies show approximately 78% of Americans now form their worldview based on “stuff their weird uncle posted on social media” rather than peer-reviewed research.
“When someone says ‘do your own research,’ what they really mean is ‘watch the same 15-minute YouTube video made by a guy filming in his car that convinced me of this nonsense,'” noted Tami Oobvious, digital literacy specialist.
MATH GUY SOMEHOW SURPRISED THAT OBJECTIVE REALITY IS CONTROVERSIAL
In what might be the most naive revelation from a supposed genius, Kucharski appears genuinely shocked that the concept of “fact” has long been divisive. Next, he’ll discover that water is wet and politicians occasionally lie.
“We’ve reached a point where people think opinions and facts are the same thing,” said statistical analyst Phil D. Gapp. “About 68% of Americans believe ‘my truth’ is actually a meaningful concept rather than narcissistic garbage.”
At press time, Kucharski was reportedly working on a mathematical model to predict exactly when society will completely abandon reason and just start making decisions based on whatever gets the most likes on TikTok. Current estimates suggest we reached that point approximately three years ago.
