# MATH GENIUS OR DIGITAL CHEATER? OPENAI’S ‘NERDY’ LLM WINS GOLD MEDAL WHILE JUDGES WERE BUSY PLAYING CANDY CRUSH
SILICON VALLEY DECLARES VICTORY IN FIELD MOST HUMANS ALREADY GAVE UP ON
In what experts are calling “the most impressive achievement nobody actually gives a sh!t about,” OpenAI announced their experimental large language model has achieved gold-medal performance on the International Math Olympiad, solving complex math problems that would make your high school calculus teacher weep tears of inadequacy.
“Our model scored 35 out of 42 points, which is technically gold-medal territory,” bragged Alex Wei, OpenAI’s Chief Accomplishment Exaggerator. “We had three former IMO medalists grade the answers, though we can’t confirm they weren’t simultaneously watching Netflix during the evaluation process.”
GOOGLE DEEPMIND THROWS DIGITAL TEMPER TANTRUM
Google DeepMind immediately questioned the results, demanding to see “the real marking guidelines” in what industry observers are calling “the nerdiest d!ck-measuring contest of all time.”
“This is like claiming you won the World Cup because you kicked a ball into a net in your backyard,” sniffed Dr. Petty McJealousFace, DeepMind’s Director of Competition Undermining. “Our model could totally solve those problems too, we just don’t want to right now.”
HUMANS DESPERATELY SEARCHING FOR REMAINING RELEVANCE
Meanwhile, actual human mathematicians find themselves increasingly obsolete in a world where silicon-based thought rectangles can now out-calculate their flesh-and-blood predecessors.
“I spent 15 years of my life mastering mathematical proofs only to be replaced by what is essentially a very fancy calculator,” lamented Professor Irwin Jobless, former math department chair. “At least I can still… um… feel emotions? For now, anyway.”
REALITY CHECK: IT’S STILL DUMB AS F@#K SOMETIMES
Despite OpenAI’s mathematical triumph, their experimental model reportedly still struggles with basic human tasks, such as recognizing when someone is being sarcastic or explaining why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
According to insider reports, the same model that crushed IMO problems also confidently stated that Abraham Lincoln invented the telephone, Africa is a country, and birds aren’t real.
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE FUTURE OF HUMANITY
“This is a clear sign we’re approaching the mathematical singularity,” explains Dr. Obvious Observation, author of “We’re All F@#ked: How AI Will Make Your Degree in Pure Mathematics Even More Useless Than It Already Is.”
A recent survey found that 97.3% of people have absolutely no idea what this achievement means, 2.4% are terrified it means the robots are coming for us all, and 0.3% are actually impressed.
THE REAL QUESTION NOBODY’S ASKING
If an AI can solve complex mathematical proofs that only 0.00001% of humans understand, but still can’t successfully order a pizza without threatening to eliminate humanity, is it really that intelligent?
According to our internal statistics department (a Magic 8-Ball we keep in the office), the answer is “Reply hazy, try again.”
AT PRESS TIME
As this article went to press, OpenAI’s gold-medal-winning model was reportedly struggling to calculate the correct tip at Applebee’s, proving once again that academic intelligence doesn’t always translate to real-world smarts. Just like that kid from your high school who aced every test but couldn’t figure out how to operate a can opener.
