MARK ZUCKERBERG INSTALLS 650 MW OF SOLAR PANELS DIRECTLY ONTO FOREHEAD TO POWER AI HALLUCINATIONS
Meta announced today the addition of 650 megawatts of solar power to fuel its increasingly desperate attempts to create artificial intelligence that can successfully identify whether your grandmother is a human or a particularly convincing potato.
RENEWABLE ENERGY FOR COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY TASKS
The tech giant, which already commands a staggering 12 gigawatts of renewable energy capacity, apparently needs even more f@#king electricity to power its data centers that primarily serve to tell you which high school acquaintances got divorced this week.
“We’re committed to a sustainable future where our algorithm can consume the same amount of energy as a small European nation just to recommend Marketplace listings for slightly used lawn chairs,” said Meta’s Chief Electricity Hoarder, Watts McGriddleton.
EXPERTS QUESTION WHETHER THIS IS ACTUALLY HELPFUL
“Let me get this straight,” said Professor Sunshine McObvious, head of the Department of Duh at Reality University. “They’re using clean energy to power systems that primarily create digital illusions of productivity and happiness? That’s like using organic vegetables to make poison. Congratulations on the sustainable delivery method for your soul-crushing technology, I guess.”
INNOVATIVE SOLUTIONS FOR PROBLEMS THEY CREATED
Meta engineers have reportedly developed special solar panels that convert not just sunlight but also user despair into usable electricity. Internal documents reveal that each time someone scrolls mindlessly through Instagram for more than 40 minutes, enough energy is generated to power one AI training cycle.
“We’ve calculated that human emptiness is actually 43% more efficient than traditional silicon panels,” said Sandy Beachfront, Meta’s Director of Existential Resource Extraction. “It’s a virtually unlimited resource among our user base.”
FINANCIAL IMPACT
Meta’s stock jumped 14% on news of the solar expansion, with Wall Street analysts praising the company’s commitment to saving approximately $0.47 on their monthly electricity bill while spending $4.3 billion on the solar infrastructure.
“This makes perfect sense,” said financial analyst Cash Moneyworth. “When you’re burning through resources like a toddler with a flamethrower in a fireworks factory, you might as well get a tax write-off for pretending to care about the environment.”
THE REAL NUMBERS
According to absolutely made-up statistics that we just invented, Meta’s AI systems currently:
– Consume enough electricity annually to power 8.7 trillion toaster ovens simultaneously
– Require cooling systems that use more water than 97% of California’s almond farms
– Generate enough heat to melt approximately 42 polar ice caps per fiscal quarter
When asked what all this computing power is actually DOING, Meta representatives stared blankly before muttering something about “connection” and “communities” while slowly backing away.
Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg was unavailable for comment as he was reportedly bathing in liquid nitrogen to cool his overheating human simulation circuits while whispering “engagement metrics” repeatedly into a mirror.
