MARK ZUCKERBERG ACQUIRES APPLE EMPLOYEES THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY: BY SIMPLY PURCHASING THEM
Meta’s Billionaire Overlord Now Collecting Tech Workers Like Rare Pokémon Cards While Tim Cook Weeps Into His Turtleneck
CUPERTINO IN CRISIS MODE
In what experts are calling “the most expensive talent shopping spree since the Knicks’ last failed championship run,” Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg has effectively begun purchasing Apple employees outright, offering “f@#k you” money packages worth tens of millions to anyone who can spell “AI” correctly on their resume.
Apple’s head of foundation AI models, Ruoming Pang, was the latest to be financially seduced into Meta’s “Superintelligence” unit, a department name so terrifyingly straightforward it makes “Department of Defense” sound like a cute hobby club.
“Apple’s AI strategy has been so spectacularly unsuccessful that working there is essentially volunteering to be on the technological equivalent of the Titanic, except the iceberg is made of competent competitors,” explained Dr. Obvious Failure, professor of Tech Company Deathspirals at the University of I-Told-You-So.
According to insiders, Zuckerberg personally handed Pang a comically large check while whispering “Come to daddy” and gently stroking his face. This detail has not been confirmed but feels spiritually accurate.
HOW MUCH IS APPLE INTELLIGENCE WORTH? APPARENTLY LESS THAN A MEDIOCRE ENGINEER’S SALARY
The poaching comes at a time when Apple’s AI efforts have proven about as effective as using a plastic spork to dig the Panama Canal. Internal tensions reportedly exploded when Apple leadership considered replacing their homegrown AI with OpenAI or Anthropic models, essentially admitting their multi-billion dollar initiative was worth less than the Apple Store gift card you got from your aunt last Christmas.
“What we’re witnessing is basically the AI equivalent of the 1919 Black Sox scandal, except instead of throwing the World Series, Apple is throwing away their entire technological future,” said industry analyst Wilma Careington. “And Zuckerberg is there with a net, catching all the falling talent like some sort of socially awkward butterfly collector.”
Statistics show that 97% of Apple AI employees now keep updated résumés in their desk drawers, with 84% regularly checking their phones during meetings to see if Zuckerberg has slid into their LinkedIn DMs.
THE RARE “DOUBLE HUMILIATION” STRATEGY
In what can only be described as a power move straight from a villain’s playbook, Meta is not only stealing Apple’s talent but simultaneously launching its “Superintelligence” unit, a name that makes Silicon Valley executives physically wince when spoken aloud.
Former Apple engineer and current Meta employee, who asked to remain anonymous but whose desk nameplate clearly reads “I BETRAYED APPLE FOR CASH,” explained: “Working on Apple Intelligence was like being asked to build a skyscraper using only Legos and hope. Meta at least gives you real building materials, like money. So much f@#king money.”
According to a recent survey, 73% of tech workers would immediately abandon their moral principles if offered a compensation package in the “tens of millions” range, with the remaining 27% holding out for “hundreds of millions” because they “know their worth.”
APPLE’S TALENT RETENTION STRATEGY: PRAYER
Apple CEO Tim Cook has reportedly been spotted wandering Apple Park muttering “Think different… think different…” while clutching a framed photo of Steve Jobs. The company’s new talent retention strategy apparently consists of reminding employees they get a 15% discount on Apple products and free snacks in the break room.
Meanwhile, at Meta headquarters, new employees are welcomed with solid gold MacBooks that have been symbolically melted down and recast as Meta logos, which they’re encouraged to wear as pendants to signal their new allegiance.
When reached for comment, an Apple spokesperson replied with a 45-minute video explaining how courageous it was to lose all their AI talent, followed by an announcement that the next iPhone will cost $200 more and come with a special AI button that does absolutely nothing.
As the talent exodus continues, experts predict Apple will soon announce a strategic pivot to becoming a luxury fashion brand that occasionally releases electronic devices that don’t quite work right but look absolutely stunning on your coffee table.
