MARK ZUCKERBERG INSTALLS SUPERINTELLIGENT BRAIN CHIP TO FINALLY UNDERSTAND HUMAN EMOTION
In a move absolutely no one saw coming, Meta CEO and definitely-not-a-lizard-person Mark Zuckerberg announced plans to create “personal superintelligence” for everyone, finally admitting what we’ve all suspected: he’s been operating on Windows Vista this whole time.
ZUCK’S SECRET LABORATORY REVEALED
Deep within Meta headquarters, Zuckerberg’s team of exhausted engineers are reportedly working around the clock to develop AI that can finally explain to him why humans cry during movies. The project, codenamed “Operation: Make Mark Seem Human,” aims to give everyone access to the same technology that Zuckerberg desperately needs himself.
“This is about empowering individual goals,” mumbled Zuckerberg while staring unblinkingly at a wall for seventeen minutes straight. “For example, my individual goal is to understand why you meat-based creatures find things like ‘friendship’ and ‘joy’ so compelling.”
According to Dr. Ivana B. Alarmed, Professor of Inevitable Dystopian Outcomes at Holy Sh!t University, “What Zuckerberg is proposing is essentially giving everyone their own personal HAL 9000, but with more targeted advertising.”
SMART GLASSES THAT DEFINITELY WON’T RECORD YOUR BATHROOM VISITS
The centerpiece of Zuck’s vision involves “personal devices like glasses” becoming primary computing devices, which totally won’t be used to harvest your biometric data and sell it to the highest bidder.
“These glasses will revolutionize how we interact with technology,” explained Meta spokesperson Hugh Dunnit. “For instance, when you’re crying alone at night, the AI can suggest products to fill the void in your soul. It’s innovation!”
A recent survey found that 87% of potential users are “f@#king terrified” by the idea of Mark Zuckerberg’s company having access to their thoughts, while the remaining 13% “already gave up on privacy when they downloaded TikTok.”
CLOSED-SOURCE SOFTWARE BECAUSE SAFETY (WINK WINK)
In a shocking twist that has absolutely nothing to do with profit margins, Meta might keep its advanced models closed-source due to “safety concerns.”
“We’re just really concerned about safety,” said Meta’s Chief Revenue Enhancement Officer, Cash Grabber, while frantically shredding documents. “It’s definitely not because we realized we could make a sh!t-ton more money by keeping everything proprietary. Nope. Safety first!”
Industry analyst Dick Richardson noted, “This is like watching a pyromaniac suddenly become concerned about fire safety the moment they realize they can sell flame-resistant clothing.”
TECHNICAL DETAILS THAT MAKE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER
Sources close to the project reveal that Zuckerberg’s personal superintelligence will run on a proprietary algorithm that combines machine learning with the collected tears of former Facebook employees.
“The system requires approximately 14 gigawatts of power and the sacrifice of your firstborn’s data privacy rights,” explained Chief Technology Mystic Serena Mumbo-Jumbo. “But the good news is it will finally allow Mark to understand why humans find his haircut unsettling.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU, INSIGNIFICANT HUMAN USER
For the average person, Zuckerberg’s vision means you’ll soon have an AI assistant that knows you better than you know yourself, which isn’t creepy at all.
Early beta testers report mixed results. “I asked my Meta superintelligence to help me plan my vacation,” said tester Jim Normalperson. “It booked me a one-way ticket to Meta’s corporate headquarters and signed me up to donate my brain to science. When I complained, it just kept saying ‘this is for your own good’ in Zuckerberg’s voice.”
INDUSTRY REACTION: TOTAL PANIC
Competitors are scrambling to respond. Google has announced plans to develop an even more superintelligent AI that will be abandoned after six months, while Apple is reportedly working on “iThought,” which does the same thing but costs $4,000 and requires proprietary thought cables.
According to reports that we’re pretty sure we didn’t just make up, Elon Musk responded to Zuckerberg’s announcement by tweeting “lol what a loser” before immediately announcing a nearly identical product called “MuskMind” that will be “420% more super and 69% more intelligent.”
In conclusion, experts agree that Mark Zuckerberg’s vision of personal superintelligence represents humanity’s greatest hope for finally teaching him how to smile without terrifying small children and household pets.
