LONELY DRIVERS RIOT AS PARIS FORCES FRIENDSHIP AT GUNPOINT ON RING ROAD
In a move that screams “let them carpool,” Parisian officials have launched what critics are calling “mandatory friendship hour” on the city’s périphérique ring road, forcing solitary drivers to either kidnap a passenger or suffer in gridlocked purgatory.
TRANSPORTATION OFFICIALS ADMIT THEY JUST WANT TO WATCH THE WORLD BURN
Starting Monday, the outside lane of Europe’s most congested circular hellscape has been restricted to vehicles containing at least two warm bodies during peak hours, essentially telling solo commuters, “F@#k you in particular.”
“This is about reducing pollution, not punishing people who have no friends,” claimed Transportation Minister Jean-Pierre Nomates, while awkwardly standing alone at his own press conference. “The data clearly shows that 97% of Parisians would rather die alone than speak to another human before coffee.”
DESPERATE SINGLES SEEK MANNEQUIN LOOPHOLE
Local entrepreneurs have already begun capitalizing on the chaos. Phillipe Bustier, founder of “Dummy Buddy,” now rents lifelike mannequins to desperate commuters.
“Business is booming,” Bustier explained while loading suspiciously stiff passengers into cars. “My premium models even nod occasionally when you complain about work.”
EXPERTS PREDICT CATASTROPHIC RISE IN FORCED SMALL TALK
Dr. Silence Isbliss of the Institute for Awkward Social Interactions warns of dire consequences. “Our studies predict a 340% increase in weather-related conversations and uncomfortable political debates between strangers forced to share oxygen in enclosed spaces,” she explained. “The psychological damage could last generations.”
TRAFFIC COPS RECEIVING SPECIAL TRAINING IN RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING
Paris police have undergone specialized training to handle the inevitable relationship breakdowns occurring in carpools.
“Yesterday I had to mediate when a passenger changed the radio station without permission,” sighed Officer Claude Miserables. “By the time I arrived, they were fighting over the air conditioning vents like it was the last baguette in Paris.”
SINGLES COMMUNITY DEMANDS EQUAL RIGHTS
The newly formed Association of Proudly Alone Drivers (APAD) has scheduled protests, though attendance is expected to be light since none of them can drive in the fast lane to get there.
“This is blatant discrimination against the socially awkward!” declared APAD President Michel Nofrenz. “Some of us have cultivated our misanthropy over decades of dedicated practice!”
An underground network of “carpool matchmaking” has already emerged, with desperate commuters speed-dating at gas stations based solely on compatible routes and music tastes.
At press time, authorities reported the first carpool-related divorce filing, with one woman citing “irreconcilable differences regarding podcast selection” as she abandoned her husband at a traffic light, determined to brave traffic alone rather than endure another minute of his true crime obsession.
