MAN IN WHITE HOUSE COCKBLOCKS TECH GIANT: NVIDIA WEEPS AS $5.5B GOES DOWN THE DRAIN AFTER US TELLS CHINA “NO CHIPS FOR YOU”
In a move that surprised absolutely f@#king nobody with a pulse and basic pattern recognition skills, the United States government has once again decided that China shouldn’t have nice things, specifically NVIDIA’s fancy computer chips that make the smart things go brrrr.
AMERICA FLEXES ITS TECHNOLOGICAL PENIS
The Biden administration, continuing America’s proud tradition of telling other countries what they can and cannot buy, has blocked NVIDIA from selling its super-duper-extra-special chips to China, effectively saying “these toys are too good for you” to the world’s second-largest economy.
“We simply cannot allow China to have access to the same technology we use to create deepfakes of celebrities and optimize ad delivery systems,” explained Commerce Secretary Tanner Deckbeam, while nervously refreshing TikTok on his Chinese-manufactured phone.
NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang reportedly responded to the news by clutching his signature leather jacket and whispering “my precious revenue streams” while a single tear rolled down his cheek.
THE FINANCIAL EQUIVALENT OF BEING KICKED IN THE NUTS
NVIDIA projects a catastrophic $5.5 billion hit to its bottom line, an amount executives describe as “a sh!t-ton of money” and “enough to buy everyone in America a moderately priced sandwich.”
Financial analyst Dr. Will Sellhigh of Obvious Observations Institute provided expert context: “When you tell a company they can’t sell $5.5 billion worth of stuff they’ve already made, that’s what we in the industry call a ‘total clusterfuck.'”
According to completely made-up statistics that sound plausible, the blocked sales represent approximately 87% of China’s planned calculations for determining the optimal spacing of surveillance cameras in public restrooms.
CHINA RESPONDS WITH PREDICTABLE MATURITY
Chinese officials responded with their characteristic diplomatic nuance, threatening to block American access to essential goods like plastic toys in Happy Meals and those little umbrellas that go in fruity drinks.
“This is clearly an attempt to sabotage our technological advancement,” stated Chinese spokesperson Li Wei during an official press conference. “Without these chips, how are we supposed to properly train our facial recognition systems to identify which citizens are thinking negative thoughts about the government?”
An unnamed source at the Pentagon, who wished to remain anonymous because they’re “not supposed to say the quiet part out loud,” explained: “Listen, if China wants to build their own technological infrastructure, they should have to start from scratch like we did, except for all the technology we borrowed, stole, or adapted from other countries throughout our history.”
SILICON VALLEY EXECUTIVES SEEN PANIC-BUYING YACHT ACCESSORIES
Industry insiders report that 94.3% of Silicon Valley executives are now reconsidering their third vacation home purchases following the news.
“I was THIS close to adding a helipad to my catamaran,” lamented one tech CEO who requested anonymity because his statement makes him sound like an insufferable prick. “Now I’ll have to settle for just a regular yacht with only one infinity pool. It’s basically poverty.”
Technology ethicist Professor Morality McMorals points out the inherent hypocrisy: “It’s fascinating how we’re perfectly fine with these chips being used to spy on Americans, optimize gambling addiction mechanics in games, or create ever more realistic pornography, but draw the line at selling them to China because they might use them for… checks notes… the exact same things.”
THE CHIP WARS CONTINUE
As the semiconductor battle rages on, analysts predict this is just the beginning of what experts are calling “the world’s nerdiest d!ck-measuring contest.”
“In the future, we may look back at this as the moment when technological progress shifted from ‘making cool stuff’ to ‘making sure the other guys don’t have cool stuff,'” explained geopolitical strategist Dr. I.M. Obvious of the Institute for Pointing Out What Everyone Already Knows.
Meanwhile, NVIDIA engineers are reportedly working overtime to develop a new chip that’s juuuust crappy enough that the US government will allow it to be sold to China, but just good enough that Chinese companies will still pay obscene amounts of money for it.
In related news, American officials have reassured citizens that this decision was made solely to protect national security interests and definitely not because someone in the White House lost a lot of money playing online poker against someone in Beijing last weekend.
