MAN BUILDS COMPUTER OUT OF CHOPSTICKS AND SPITE AFTER GOVERNMENT BANS ALL THE GOOD ONES
Chinese tech giant Huawei announced plans to challenge American semiconductor domination with their new “Ascend 910D” chip, which company insiders describe as “basically a calculator with delusions of grandeur” but has somehow frightened the entire Western tech establishment into a collective panic attack.
CHINA’S NEW “F@#K YOU” CHIP
Developed in what experts are calling “the technological equivalent of making prison wine,” Huawei’s new AI processor emerged directly from the ashes of American trade restrictions. The chip, reportedly held together by a combination of electrical tape and pure nationalistic determination, supposedly performs at speeds comparable to NVIDIA’s offerings, though critics note this is only true if you measure performance in “patriotic sentiment per second.”
“We’ve successfully created a semiconductor that runs entirely on the concept of passive aggression,” explained Huawei spokesperson Li Wei. “Every time an American politician mentions China in a speech, it gains 15% processing power.”
THE GREAT WALL OF SILICON
Independent tech analyst Dr. Chip Shortage (his real name, he swears) explained the development: “What we’re seeing is essentially the semiconductor equivalent of a bar fight. America said ‘you can’t have our cool toys’ and China said ‘watch me build my OWN toys that are DEFINITELY not worse in any way.'”
According to absolutely made-up statistics, the Ascend 910D can process up to 7.2 trillion calculations per second, or roughly the number of times US trade officials have muttered “oh sh!t” since hearing about its existence.
TARIFFS: THE ULTIMATE INNOVATION STRATEGY
The Biden administration’s recent 100% tariff on Chinese semiconductors has apparently inspired an unprecedented wave of technological creativity, proving once again that nothing drives innovation quite like governmental temper tantrums.
“It’s remarkable,” notes economic professor Amanda Hugginkiss from Nonexistent University. “For just $300 billion in global economic disruption, we’ve managed to create two entirely separate and incompatible technological ecosystems. Future historians will definitely call this ‘smart policy’ and not ‘the beginning of the end.'”
The new chips will initially power Chinese language models including “Western Thought With Chinese Characteristics GPT” which reportedly generates text that simultaneously praises capitalism while suggesting it could be improved with just a TINY bit more centralized control.
NERD WAR ESCALATES
NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang reportedly spat out his artisanal kombucha when informed of the development. “They can’t do that! That’s illegal! Or it should be! Someone make it illegal!” he definitely didn’t say while frantically scribbling potential new export restrictions on a napkin.
White House officials have reportedly begun drafting regulations to restrict the export of thoughts about semiconductors, with plans to install mind-reading devices at all major airports by 2025.
Meanwhile, 94% of Americans continue to think “semiconductor” refers to a truck driver who only works part-time, according to a survey we completely fabricated for this article.
At press time, Huawei announced plans to release an even more powerful chip next year made entirely from recycled American sanctions paperwork, proving once again that the most powerful computing material on earth is concentrated human spite.
