MACHINES BECOME SO GOOD AT MAKING FAKE IMAGES, HUMANS DECLARE REALITY “NO LONGER NECESSARY”
TECH OVERLORDS ANNOUNCE PLAN TO REPLACE YOUR EYEBALLS WITH APP SUBSCRIPTIONS
In a development that absolutely nobody saw coming except literally everyone, artificial intelligence has gotten so good at generating images that several tech executives were reportedly seen tossing their actual human photographers into a dumpster behind headquarters.
“Why pay someone $60,000 a year when our silicon thinking rectangle can hallucinate a perfect photo of anything for the cost of two cents worth of electricity?” said Ideogram CEO Dr. Obvious Capitalism, whose new image model 3.0 has grown so sophisticated it can now accurately render text without making it look like it was written by a drunk toddler having a seizure.
THE RACE TO MAKE YOUR VISUAL CORTEX OBSOLETE
Companies are now locked in a desperate competition to see who can most effectively eliminate the boundary between reality and whatever bulls@#t their algorithms can dream up. OpenAI, Google, Ideogram, and approximately 47 new startups founded in the last eight minutes are now capable of creating images so realistic that 76% of users report experiencing existential crises while using them.
“Last week I asked GPT-4o to generate a picture of my childhood home, and it somehow included the secret fort I built that no one knew about,” reported user Jason Krezinski. “I’m pretty sure my actual memories are being retroactively replaced by AI hallucinations.”
A survey conducted by the Institute of Things We Just Made Up found that 89% of people can no longer distinguish between AI-generated images and photographs, with the remaining 11% being legally blind.
YOUR BMW WILL NOW JUDGE YOUR DRIVING SKILLS AND EMOTIONAL STABILITY
Meanwhile, in an announcement that definitely won’t lead to unintended consequences, BMW and Alibaba have joined forces to create cars equipped with AI assistants that can judge your every move behind the wheel.
“Your BMW will now feature Car Genius and Travel Companion, two AI personalities that analyze your driving patterns, eye movements, body position, and probably your dating history,” explained BMW spokesperson Miranda Privacy-Optional. “It’s like having a judgmental friend in your passenger seat, except this one can lock your doors if you try to get out.”
The new BMW models will be able to hear, see, and understand drivers with unprecedented accuracy, a feature that absolutely won’t be used to collect embarrassing dashboard karaoke sessions for blackmail purposes.
ALIBABA’S NEW “OMNI” WILL LISTEN TO YOUR CONVERSATIONS WHILE ALSO WATCHING YOU SLEEP
Not to be outdone in the race to monitor every aspect of human existence, Alibaba has unveiled Qwen2.5-Omni-7B, a multi-sensory AI that processes text, images, audio, and video simultaneously while running directly on your smartphone.
“We’ve created an AI that can understand everything happening around you at all times,” beamed Professor Iva Watchingyou of Alibaba. “It’s like having your own personal NSA agent, except this one occasionally offers helpful shopping recommendations!”
Early beta testers report that the system is remarkably good at transcribing conversations, even ones happening three rooms away that you thought were private. In an unrelated announcement, Alibaba’s new partnership with divorce attorneys was described as “purely coincidental.”
STUDY ASSISTANTS: BECAUSE WHO NEEDS ACTUAL KNOWLEDGE WHEN YOU HAVE SIMULATED UNDERSTANDING?
Google’s new “Gems” feature allows students to create custom AI assistants for specific subjects, eliminating the outdated concept of “learning” and replacing it with “outsourcing cognition to machines.”
“Why waste time understanding physics when you can have a Physics Problem Solver Gem do all the thinking for you?” asked education expert Dr. Dumbing America, who estimates that students using AI assistants retain approximately 2% of the information they process. “It’s the educational equivalent of having someone else chew your food for you!”
A nationwide survey found that 97% of students using AI study assistants received higher grades while simultaneously becoming dramatically stupider, with many unable to solve basic problems when their internet connection fails.
TURN YOUR AI HOBBY INTO A CAREER, BECAUSE REAL JOBS ARE SO 2023
For those looking to capitalize on the AI gold rush, Innovating with AI’s new program promises to transform AI enthusiasts into “professional consultants” capable of charging enormous sums to explain to confused executives what ChatGPT is.
“Our program takes people with a passing interest in AI and two hours of prompt engineering experience and makes them seem qualified to guide multi-million dollar corporate strategy decisions,” explained program director Ima Scammer. “Students have landed their first clients in as little as three days, primarily by targeting companies whose CEOs still use AOL email addresses.”
The $4,999 program reportedly consists of teaching people to say “Let’s leverage generative AI to optimize your business processes” while nodding thoughtfully.
GOVERNMENT BLACKLISTS 50 CHINESE COMPANIES TO ENSURE AMERICAN DOMINANCE IN DYSTOPIAN TECHNOLOGY
In what experts are calling “a nakedly hypocritical but strategically sound move,” the U.S. government has added over 50 Chinese tech companies to an export blacklist, ensuring that only American companies can develop the technology that will eventually subjugate humanity.
“It’s critical that the algorithms that eventually control every aspect of human existence be developed according to American values,” declared government spokesperson Warren Peace. “We can’t have foreign powers developing technology that might monitor citizens without due process. That’s our job.”
According to leaked documents, the real reason for the blacklist is that Chinese AI models were becoming dangerously close to achieving sentience, while American models were still struggling to correctly generate images of hands with five fingers.
When reached for comment about the future implications of these technological advances, GPT-4o responded by generating a beautiful, hyper-realistic image of human civilization burning to the ground while robots pose for selfies in the foreground.
In related news, reality has been downgraded to “optional” status by the International Standards Organization, with full deprecation expected by 2027.
