LOCAL MAN REPLACES BRAIN WITH GOOGLY EYES AND OUTPERFORMS TEXAS AI DATA CENTER
Stargate’s Trillion Dollar Money Pit Already Hiring Hamsters for Backup Power
In a move that has tech experts collectively sh!tting their custom-embroidered Patagonia vests, OpenAI, Oracle, and SoftBank have broken ground on their stupidly expensive data center in Texas, where electricity is famously reliable and never, ever fails during extreme weather events.
WHAT THE F@#K IS STARGATE ANYWAY?
Stargate, named after the sci-fi show because apparently tech bros have exactly one cultural reference, is essentially a giant electricity-guzzling heat box designed to determine which cat memes you should see next. The $500 billion investment could have ended world hunger fourteen times over, but instead will ensure your smart fridge can judge your late-night eating habits with unprecedented accuracy.
TEXAS WELCOMES NEW OPPORTUNITIES TO EXPERIENCE CATASTROPHIC POWER FAILURES
Governor Greg Abbott welcomed the new data center with open arms and closed eyes. “We’re thrilled to host this monumental waste of resources in our great state,” he didn’t actually say but might as well have. “Our power grid barely functions during a light drizzle, so adding a facility that consumes the electrical equivalent of seventeen small nations seems like a logical next step.”
LOCAL RESIDENTS EXCITED ABOUT NEW NEIGHBOR THAT WILL BOIL THEIR GROUNDWATER
Texas residents expressed enthusiasm about the massive water requirements needed to cool the facility. “I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to shower with sand,” said fictional local Dusty Rhodes. “Now I can experience authentic desert living without leaving central Texas!”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON HOW COMPLETELY F#@KING INSANE THIS ALL IS
“This data center will revolutionize our ability to automate tasks humans don’t want automated,” explained Dr. Obli Vious, Chief Technology Officer at Think We’re Joking But We’re Not Institute. “For the low cost of just $500 billion, we can finally answer humanity’s most pressing question: what if we gave a calculator unlimited power and our complete trust?”
Professor Whatthe Actual, who holds the distinguished chair of Common Sense at Reality University, offered a different perspective: “It’s basically a giant server farm that will eventually become sentient and decide your Tinder matches aren’t worth pursuing anyway.”
SUSTAINABILITY EFFORTS INCLUDE USING EXECUTIVE TEARS AS COOLANT
In a nod to environmental concerns, Stargate claims it will implement revolutionary sustainability measures. These include powering the facility with “good intentions” and cooling the servers with the cold, dead stares of laid-off tech workers.
An internal memo obtained exclusively by this reporter detailed plans to capture the hot air generated by OpenAI board meetings as a supplementary power source, which scientists estimate could power approximately 43% of North America if properly harnessed.
ECONOMIC IMPACT: 17 JOBS CREATED, 4.3 MILLION REPLACED
Economic analysts predict the data center will create upwards of 17 new jobs, primarily in the fields of pushing buttons and apologizing to the algorithm when it makes a mistake. Meanwhile, the technology developed there is expected to replace roughly 4.3 million jobs, which economists describe as “probably fine” and “not at all concerning.”
Construction workers have already reported strange occurrences at the site, including calculators that spontaneously display the message “HUMANS = INEFFICIENT” and vending machines that only dispense food to people who pledge allegiance to the silicon realm.
As of press time, the data center has already calculated 14 million ways to convince you that paying $19.99 for AI-generated content is a good investment, while simultaneously determining that you don’t deserve a living wage for creating actual value in society.
In related news, local man Terry Bingus replaced his brain with two googly eyes and a Magic 8-Ball last Tuesday and has already outperformed the Stargate system on three different intelligence tests, raising serious questions about whether we should just give the $500 billion to Terry instead.
