LOCAL MAN’S PRODUCTIVITY SKYROCKETS AFTER DISCOVERING HE CAN IGNORE ALL 10 “ESSENTIAL” TECH TRENDS
SILICON VALLEY COLLECTIVELY GASPS AS AVERAGE JOE MAINTAINS SANITY BY REFUSING TO GIVE A SH!T ABOUT HUMANOID ROBOTS
In what experts are calling “a disturbing display of independent thinking,” local project manager Dave Simmons has reportedly increased his productivity by 783% after making the radical decision to completely ignore Forrester’s list of 10 emerging technologies for 2025.
“I just asked myself, do I actually need to know what ‘agentic AI’ is to complete my quarterly reports?” said Simmons, who now spends his freed-up time actually finishing work instead of pretending to understand what ‘edge intelligence’ means. “Turns out, I f@#king don’t.”
TECH INDUSTRY PANIC ENSUES
Forrester executives held an emergency meeting after learning someone somewhere wasn’t breathlessly awaiting their next pronouncement on “quantum security” or whatever the hell they’re calling regular encryption this week.
“This is unprecedented,” stammered Dr. Buzz Wordington, Forrester’s Chief Innovation Evangelist. “If people start ignoring our arbitrary lists of technologies with impressive-sounding names, they might actually focus on real problems instead of chasing shiny objects. The entire tech consulting industry could collapse!”
REVOLUTIONARY APPROACH SPREADS
Simmons’ coworkers have begun adopting his radical methodology, which he calls “not giving a sh!t about things that won’t matter for at least five years.” Early adopters report sleeping better, experiencing less anxiety, and completing tasks that actually generate revenue.
“I used to spend four hours daily reading about how humanoid robots and TuringBots would revolutionize our industry,” admitted marketing director Sarah Chen. “Then I realized I still haven’t figured out how to make our current CRM system send emails correctly.”
EXPERTS WARN OF DANGERS
Professor Irrelevant Research from the Institute of Making Simple Things Complicated warns this trend could devastate the tech industry’s carefully constructed ecosystem of manufactured FOMO.
“We’ve spent decades training executives to panic whenever they’re not implementing the latest buzzword technology,” he explained. “If people start asking ‘Do we really need this?’ instead of ‘How quickly can we adopt it?’ we might accidentally create businesses that focus on customers instead of impressing venture capitalists.”
ALTERNATIVE APPROACH PROPOSED
Some companies are experimenting with a revolutionary alternative to following Forrester’s advice: asking employees what would actually help them do their jobs better.
“We were about to invest $4.2 million in ‘edge intelligence’ infrastructure,” said CTO Jennifer Williams. “Then we asked our team what they needed and they said ‘laptops that don’t crash every time there’s a Windows update.’ Saved us millions.”
At press time, Simmons was reportedly considering an even more radical approach for 2025: actually reading books instead of just looking at bullet points in LinkedIn articles. Tech industry analysts predict this could trigger the apocalypse.
