PUPPETS AT THE GATES OF HELL: NEW “KID’S FILM” JUST TRAUMATIZED ENTIRE GENERATION WITH PRACTICAL EFFECTS THEY’LL DESCRIBE TO THERAPISTS 30 YEARS FROM NOW
Acclaimed “family film” The Legend of Ochi has parents nationwide frantically Googling “how to un-traumatize a child who hasn’t blinked in three days” after witnessing what critics are calling “a visual masterpiece” and what children are calling “the reason I now sleep with seventeen nightlights.”
HOLLYWOOD ABANDONS DIGITAL CRAP FOR “REAL” NIGHTMARES
In a shocking twist that has CGI technicians contemplating career changes, director Isaiah Saxon opted to create his hellscape of wonder using actual physical objects instead of the usual computer-generated bullsh!t that makes everything look like a rejected PlayStation 2 game.
“We wanted children to experience authentic terror,” explained Saxon’s assistant director, Dr. Maya Nightsweats. “When that puppet creature turns its head 180 degrees while maintaining unblinking eye contact, those are REAL mechanical gears grinding, not some fancy algorithm. The screams from our test audience were so organic you could sell them at Whole Foods.”
STUDIO EXECUTIVES HUMILIATED BY FILM THAT ACTUALLY LOOKS GOOD
Studio executives who’ve spent the GDP of small nations on digital effects that still look like microwaved plastic are reportedly considering mass resignation after The Legend of Ochi accomplished the impossible: looking f@#king amazing on a budget that wouldn’t cover Robert Downey Jr.’s coffee expenses for a Marvel film.
“We’ve been spending $300 million to make things look worse than a PlayStation 3 game,” admitted studio executive Wally Wasteful. “Meanwhile, this Saxon guy is out here with some puppets, paint, and Romanian landscapes creating something that doesn’t make your eyes want to commit suicide.”
ROMANIA: WHERE CHILDHOOD TRAUMA GOES TO THRIVE
The film’s production team reportedly chose Romania for its stunning landscapes and local population’s high tolerance for witnessing strange puppet creatures being manipulated in forests at midnight.
“Romania just gets it,” explained location scout Terri Terrifying. “We needed a place where we could build a 40-foot mechanical owl with human teeth, and the locals would just nod and say ‘Yes, this is normal Tuesday for us.'”
AUDIENCE REACTIONS RANGE FROM “MESMERIZED” TO “PERMANENTLY ALTERED”
Early screenings have produced wildly varied audience responses, with adults praising the film’s “artistic vision” while children develop new and exciting phobias.
“It’s the most beautiful movie I’ve seen in years,” raved critic Ira Intellectual, while his 7-year-old daughter quietly removed all her stuffed animals from her bedroom and buried them in the backyard.
According to totally legitimate research by the Institute of Making Sh!t Up, approximately 87% of children who watch The Legend of Ochi will develop a lifelong fear of either puppets, Romania, or Willem Dafoe’s face (which, to be fair, was already at about 62% before this film).
WILLEM DAFOE: POSSIBLY A PRACTICAL EFFECT HIMSELF
Co-star Willem Dafoe has once again proven he might actually be a Jim Henson creation that achieved sentience sometime in the late 1970s.
“Working with Willem was incredible,” said an anonymous crew member. “We couldn’t tell if he was acting or if someone was operating him from below. At one point, I swear I saw someone reach up and adjust his eyebrows between takes.”
CONCLUSION: YOUR CHILDHOOD SUCKED COMPARED TO THIS
As today’s generation experiences the kind of practical-effect nightmares that built character in 80s children, parents nationwide are realizing their iPad-addicted offspring might finally understand why Gen X and elder Millennials still can’t watch anything with rabbits after seeing Watership Down.
“The Legend of Ochi represents what movies can be when you actually give a sh!t,” concluded Professor Elitist Filmjerk of the Academy of Movies That Don’t Suck. “And while today’s children may need extensive therapy, at least they’ll have something interesting to tell their therapists besides ‘I saw Thor fight a cloud of pixels for two hours.'”
