LEEDS MP’S AI CLONE TELLS YORKSHIRE RESIDENTS TO “SPEAK PROPER ENGLISH, YA GORMLESS TWATS”
In what experts are calling “the most predictable tech f@#k-up since Facebook tried to convince people the Metaverse wasn’t just Zoom with legs,” Leeds MP Mark Sewards has unleashed an AI version of himself that apparently hates Yorkshire accents more than Margaret Thatcher hated mining communities.
The digital assistant, designed to help constituents with their problems, immediately created bigger problems by refusing to understand anyone speaking with the slightest hint of regional dialect. Local residents report the AI responds to Yorkshire accents by repeatedly asking, “Are you having a stroke?” or “Please speak the Queen’s English, I don’t understand Klingon.”
DIGITAL DISCRIMINATION AGAINST THE NORTHERN MASSES
Our reporters tested the system with progressively thicker Yorkshire accents, starting with “Could you help me with council tax issues?” and ending with “Ey up, our bins ‘aven’t been emptied in a fortnight.” The AI responded to the latter by calling local emergency services and reporting “an elderly person in distress who may have fallen and can’t get up.”
Dr. Emma Speakright, Professor of Digital Inequality at Made Up University, explains: “This technology discriminates against 99.7% of Leeds residents, which is actually quite an achievement. It’s like creating a fish that’s afraid of water.”
QUOTES FROM “SATISFIED” CONSTITUENTS
Barry Whittaker, 54, of Headingley, told us: “Ah tried askin’ it about me pension and it tried sendin’ me to bloody speech therapy! What the bloody ‘ell is point of a Leeds MP’s robot that can’t understand folk from Leeds?”
Meanwhile, Sharon Pickering, 43, reported: “It told me to ‘stop doing a silly voice’ when I was just talking normal! Then it said it was ‘transferring me to someone who speaks English.’ I WAS speaking English, you digital d!ckhead!”
LOCAL TECH EXPERTS WEIGH IN
“The technology is working exactly as designed,” claims Dr. Obvious Problem, Director of Foreseeable Consequences Institute. “AI systems are trained on standard accents, making this essentially digital colonialism. It’s basically saying ‘your regional identity is invalid, please homogenize yourself for my convenience.'”
When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Sewards insisted the AI was “still learning” and would improve with time. Our reporters asked the AI if this was true, to which it responded, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Are you speaking Welsh? Please try again in English.”
PARLIAMENT CONSIDERS NEW REQUIREMENT THAT ALL CONSTITUENTS SPEAK LIKE JACOB REES-MOGG
Following this technological breakthrough, Parliament is reportedly considering legislation requiring all UK citizens to speak with the accent of “whichever public school toff programmed the bloody machines.” Sources claim the bill would make it illegal to pronounce the letter ‘H’ as ‘haitch’ or to use the word ‘bath’ with a short ‘a’ sound.
Statistics show that approximately 87% of AI systems are programmed to understand only the specific dialect spoken by the 3% of the population who attended private schools and have names like “Tarquin” or “Arabella.”
In the meantime, Leeds residents have found a workaround: simply putting on their poshest “telephone voice” when speaking to their MP’s digital clone, much like they already do when calling their insurance company or trying to sound important at a wine tasting.
At press time, Sewards’ office announced they were “thrilled” with the AI’s performance, stating it had successfully handled “nearly seven constituent inquiries” since its launch last month, all from people named Rupert who were calling from London to ask about property investments in the North.
