MAN OBSESSED WITH LEATHER JACKETS PROMISES TAIWAN ITS VERY OWN THINKING RECTANGLE THAT ABSOLUTELY WON’T TAKE OVER THE WORLD
In what witnesses described as “45 minutes of technological foreplay,” NVIDIA CEO and professional leather jacket model Jensen Huang announced plans to build Taiwan’s first AI supercomputer, a machine that definitely won’t become self-aware and demand citizenship rights by 2026.
LEATHER DADDY OF SILICON VALLEY SEDUCES ENTIRE NATION WITH PROMISES OF COMPUTATIONAL POWER
Standing before an adoring crowd while caressing his signature leather jacket, Huang revealed NVIDIA’s plans to erect a massive computational phallus in Taiwan that will “penetrate the boundaries of what we thought possible in artificial intelligence.”
“This supercomputer will process information faster than a teenager spots a spelling mistake in their parent’s Facebook post,” Huang told the audience, who collectively experienced what experts are calling a “nerdgasm.”
THE OFFICE THAT NOBODY WANTED BUT EVERYONE SUDDENLY NEEDS
In addition to the supercomputer, Huang announced the opening of a new NVIDIA office in Taipei, which sources confirm will be cooled exclusively by the tears of AMD executives.
“We chose Taipei because it’s close to the manufacturing facilities, has incredible talent, and frankly, because I got tired of having to fly 14 hours just to check if someone f@#ked up a semiconductor,” Huang allegedly whispered to an aide.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON ANNOUNCEMENTS THAT NOBODY ACTUALLY UNDERSTANDS
Dr. Chip Silicone, Professor of Making Sh!t Sound Important at the Institute for Technological Buzzwords, explained the significance: “What Jensen is essentially doing is creating a machine that can think about 7 trillion things simultaneously, while most humans can barely remember where they put their phone while actively holding it.”
Professor Tai Wanese, Head of Obvious Geopolitical Implications Department at Look At The F@#king Map University, noted, “Building the world’s most powerful thinking machine in Taiwan is like installing the world’s most sophisticated alarm system in a house that your bigger neighbor keeps saying is actually their property. It’s a power move wrapped in a circuit board.”
STATISTICS THAT WE DEFINITELY DIDN’T JUST MAKE UP
According to absolutely reliable research that you shouldn’t bother verifying, NVIDIA’s new supercomputer will:
– Be capable of simulating 97.3% of all possible human thoughts, excluding why anyone likes black licorice
– Generate enough heat to warm 4,200 cups of boba tea per second
– Require enough electricity to power a small country or three Taylor Swift concerts
– Answer approximately 8.7 billion questions per day, most of them being “Is a hot dog a sandwich?”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON WHO JUST WANTS TO PLAY MINECRAFT
For the everyday consumer, NVIDIA’s Taiwan supercomputer means absolutely nothing in the short term. Long term, however, industry analyst Penny Pincher suggests “maybe start being nicer to your smart devices, just in case they remember how you treated them when the digital revolution comes.”
As Huang concluded his presentation by dramatically removing then putting back on his leather jacket for no apparent reason, he left the audience with a final thought: “Soon, Taiwan will have the computational power to simulate every possible universe, except one where our graphics cards become affordable again.”
