World Leaders Gather in Paris to Pretend They Can Control AI
As concerns over artificial intelligence spiral out of control faster than your grandma trying to close a pop-up ad, world leaders have descended upon Paris for yet another summit where they will confidently declare that they totally, absolutely, 100% have everything under control.
This time, the summit aims to tackle three daunting topics: AI’s terrifying energy consumption, its potential use in creating killer autonomous weapons, and the small matter of whether it will completely upend society before or after lunch.
Leading the charge is a coalition of political figures who, until last year, thought ChatGPT was a new Netflix series. “We must regulate AI before it regulates us,” declared one government official, pausing briefly to ask his assistant how to turn off predictive text.
At the heart of discussions is DeepSeek, the latest AI model that has sent tech giants, governments, and sci-fi screenwriters into a collective panic. While developers insist that it will revolutionize research and advance human knowledge, everyone else hears “it will probably hack your bank account and replace your job by next Thursday.”
The arms race angle, of course, is particularly nerve-wracking. Military leaders assure the public that AI-powered weapons will be used responsibly, meaning they might only obliterate the wrong target 40% of the time. “We will ensure AI warfare remains ethical,” stated an unnamed official, likely while inputting “top five ways to sound ethical while building murder bots” into a search engine.
Climate concerns are also on the agenda, as AI reportedly consumes as much electricity as a small country that hasn’t figured out air-conditioning. Conference attendees debated how power-hungry AI technology could be managed while also using said technology to craft long speeches about sustainability on trillion-dollar supercomputers.
Meanwhile, young people attending the Alan Turing Institute’s Children’s AI Summit cautiously expressed their hopes and fears about the technology. “I’m worried AI will make my parents even worse at understanding memes,” said one concerned teen. Another kid, aged 11, chimed in: “If AI can take over my homework, I’m all for it.”
While politicians, tech leaders, and military strategists continue their high-stakes discussions, experts predict that the summit’s final statement will be a beautifully vague document promising further collaboration, additional research, and absolutely no meaningful action.
Until the next crisis summit, world leaders will return to their respective countries, where they will continue to govern with all the foresight of someone clicking “I agree” on a terms and conditions page they didn’t read.
