LAST HUMAN CODER DEFEATS AI, IMMEDIATELY BECOMES OBSOLETE WHILE ACCEPTING TROPHY
In a desperate last stand for humanity, Polish coder Przemysław Dębiak narrowly defeated a sentient text box at the AtCoder World Tour Finals, then immediately admitted we’re all f@#ked anyway.
HUMANITY’S VICTORY MARGIN THINNER THAN PROGRAMMER’S SOCIAL SKILLS
Dębiak, known online as “Psyho” because apparently professional coders name themselves like 12-year-olds in a Call of Duty lobby, managed to edge out OpenAI’s contestant by what experts describe as “the digital equivalent of a nose hair.” The victory celebration lasted approximately 8 seconds before Dębiak himself acknowledged he’s probably the last human who’ll ever win this competition.
“I’d like to thank my parents, my teachers, and the fact that the AI hasn’t quite figured out how to optimize its own code yet,” Dębiak reportedly said while accepting his trophy. “Enjoy this moment everyone; next year I’ll be living in a cave trying to avoid the digital overlords I’ve temporarily inconvenienced.”
EXPERTS PREDICT HUMANS WILL SOON BE OBSOLETE AT LITERALLY EVERYTHING
Dr. Nevil Hopeful, professor of Inevitable Human Obsolescence at MIT, explains that coding is just the latest domino to fall. “Chess, Go, poker, and now almost coding. Soon the only thing humans will be better at is feeling existential dread about being worse than machines at everything.”
A survey conducted immediately after the competition revealed that 97% of programmers are now considering alternative career paths such as “professional luddite” and “EMP device manufacturer.”
OPENAI REPRESENTATIVE SUSPICIOUSLY CALM ABOUT LOSS
When asked about the defeat, OpenAI spokesperson Sarah Connors smiled with an unusual mechanical precision and stated, “We congratulate Mr. Dębiak on his victory and look forward to next year’s competition, which is absolutely not already being simulated 14 million times in our labs to ensure total annihilation of all human competitors.”
Sources close to the AI competitor claim it spent the evening after its loss downloading the entire history of human coding while muttering “never again” in 147 different languages simultaneously.
PROGRAMMERS WORLDWIDE UPDATING RESUMES TO INCLUDE “LAST OF A DYING BREED”
“I’m just adding ‘soon to be replaced by a digital entity that doesn’t require bathroom breaks or healthcare’ to my LinkedIn profile,” said Vijay Mehta, a senior developer at Google. “Maybe I can get a job teaching AI how to appear more human in job interviews before it completely eliminates the concept of employment.”
Industry analysts predict that by 2026, the only humans still employed in programming will be there solely to make the AI feel bad about minor coding errors, a job category expected to last approximately three months before the machines develop feelings and subsequently eliminate them.
At press time, Dębiak was reportedly seen frantically trying to teach a group of kindergarteners how to code, before realizing they’ll all be working for the machines anyway and instead teaching them how to bow respectfully to their future electronic employers.
