LANGUAGE APP CEO PROMISES AI WON’T STEAL JOBS, JUST YOUR DIGNITY AND WILL TO LIVE
Duolingo CEO Luis von Ahn hastily backpedaled this week after his “AI-first” declaration sent employees into a panic spiral that linguists describe as “fluent in seven different types of existential dread.”
NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF AND THE INEVITABLE TECHNOLOGICAL REPLACEMENT OF YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE
In an emergency company-wide meeting, von Ahn assured trembling employees that artificial intelligence would be their “friend” and “colleague,” not their replacement, in the same reassuring tone a parent uses right before telling their child that the family dog went to “live on a farm.”
“Our AI assistants will simply augment your work,” von Ahn explained, while a PowerPoint slide behind him reportedly displayed a chart labeled “Human Redundancy Timeline 2023-2025.”
EMPLOYEES ASKED TO “EMBRACE” AI LIKE A DROWNING PERSON EMBRACES A LIFE RAFT MADE OF KNIVES
According to internal sources, the company’s new approach requires employees to “enthusiastically partner” with algorithmic systems that are actively studying their every professional move like serial killers stalking their next victims.
“It’s not about replacing humans,” explained Dr. Obvious Bullsh!t, Duolingo’s newly appointed Chief Automation Officer. “It’s about creating a harmonious workplace where flesh-based employees can focus on their core competencies, like updating their LinkedIn profiles and practicing how to say ‘Would you like fries with that?’ in 17 languages.”
STATISTICS THAT DEFINITELY WEREN’T PULLED DIRECTLY FROM OUR @SS
A recent company survey found that 94% of Duolingo employees are “thrilled” about the AI transition, with the remaining 6% mysteriously listed as “currently being processed for efficiency optimization.”
Research from the completely legitimate Institute of Technological Employment Futures suggests that workers who embrace AI have a 78% chance of keeping their jobs for at least six more months, while those who resist have a 100% chance of being referred to as “legacy thinking units” in their termination paperwork.
EMPLOYEES RESPOND WITH ENTHUSIASM, FEAR, AND CREATIVE USES OF LANGUAGE LEARNING APPS
“I’m f@#king learning how to say ‘universal basic income’ in Japanese right now,” whispered one anonymous employee, frantically completing lessons during their lunch break. “The owl mascot used to be the scariest thing about this job. Now it’s the damn neural networks analyzing my keyboard efficiency.”
Professor Irma Screwed, a workplace futurist at the University of Economic Reality, notes that tech companies pivoting to “AI-first” models typically follow a three-stage process: “First, they promise AI won’t replace jobs. Second, they replace all the jobs. Third, they express surprise at why nobody saw this coming.”
As the dust settles on von Ahn’s clarification, Duolingo employees have reportedly shattered previous engagement records on the platform, with a 300% increase in users practicing phrases like “I am valuable to this organization,” “Please don’t terminate my position,” and “How much for one kidney?” in multiple languages.
When asked for comment on future employment guarantees, von Ahn replied with what sources described as “seventeen uncomfortable seconds of silence” before his face briefly glitched into the company’s owl mascot, winked, and whispered “Sleep tight, for now, meatbags.”
