LABOR PARTY ASSIGNS FOUR WHOLE HUMANS TO INVESTIGATE WHY THEY WON ELECTION, SUSPECTS VOTERS MIGHT HAVE BEEN HACKED
In a move that screams “we’re just as confused as you are,” Australia’s Labor Party has launched a comprehensive investigation into the traumatic experience of winning an election by a landslide. The party, clearly suspicious of their own success, has appointed four people to spend months figuring out how the f@#k they managed to secure 94 seats and their biggest victory in decades.
VICTORY: THE SILENT KILLER
“We’re absolutely devastated by this win,” said an anonymous Labor strategist, wiping away tears of confusion. “Something clearly went wrong. Australians actually voting for competence? It’s unprecedented and frankly terrifying.”
The review, expected to cost taxpayers approximately eleventy billion dollars, will focus primarily on how the party can protect itself from ever experiencing such a humiliating success again.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THE TRAGEDY OF WINNING
Dr. Obvious Victory, Professor of Winning Too Hard at the University of Duh, explained the party’s concerns: “When you win this convincingly, it creates unreasonable expectations that you might actually do something with all that power. It’s a political nightmare.”
The investigation will specifically target the disturbing possibility that voters might have made informed decisions without being manipulated by digital trickery.
“We’re working under the assumption that our victory must have been caused by some sort of digital anomaly,” explained Labor’s newly appointed Chief Success Prevention Officer, Sally Winnophobia. “Perhaps Australians weren’t exposed to enough Facebook memes telling them we eat babies? We need answers.”
AI THREAT LEVEL: VOTERS MIGHT THINK FOR THEMSELVES
The review will place special emphasis on countering the emerging threat of artificial intelligence, which experts fear might someday help voters understand policy differences or identify blatant lies.
“The real danger here is context,” warned Tech Anxiety Consultant, Professor Hugh R. Kidding. “If voters start using information-filtering tools to see through political bullsh!t, we’re all f@#ked. Democracy depends on confusion.”
Internal documents reveal the party’s particular concern that 87.3% of Australian voters might develop critical thinking skills before the next election, a statistic completely made up for this article but terrifying nonetheless.
OPPOSITION RESPONSE: WHY AREN’T WE BEING INVESTIGATED FOR LOSING?
The Liberal Party expressed outrage at not receiving their own investigation into their spectacular failure. “This is typical Labor elitism,” complained Opposition leader who definitely exists and wasn’t made up for this article. “They get an investigation into winning while we get nothing for our masterclass in political self-destruction.”
When asked for comment, a Labor spokesperson confirmed the party is “deeply committed to understanding this anomaly” and hopes to “return to the comfort of nail-biting narrow victories or soul-crushing defeats as soon as possible.”
The review is expected to conclude that the best defense against future accidental victories is to immediately implement several wildly unpopular policies and perhaps set fire to a small national monument.
