PSYCHEDELIC ROCKERS FLEE SPOTIFY AFTER DISCOVERING CEO SECRETLY USING GUITAR SOLOS TO GUIDE MISSILES
Australian band King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard has dramatically abandoned Spotify after uncovering what they’re calling “the most f@#ked up music licensing agreement since Satan signed blues guitarists in the 1930s.”
THE GREAT STREAMING EXODUS OF 2025
In what analysts are calling “The Great Audio Migration,” musicians are frantically unplugging themselves from Spotify faster than teenagers disconnecting when their parents walk in. King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard announced Saturday that their new music would only be available on Bandcamp, the streaming equivalent of a farmers market where people actually pay for things.
“F@#k Spotify,” the band declared in what music historians are already calling “the most concise artist statement since Johnny Rotten said ‘ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?'”
BOMBS AND BEATS: THE UNHOLY ALLIANCE
Sources close to the situation report that Spotify CEO Daniel Ek has been allocating streaming revenue to fund what he reportedly calls “some really cool boom-boom stuff.” According to Dr. Rhea Lista, Professor of Ethical Capitalism at Make Believe University, this represents “the inevitable convergence of playlist algorithms and precision-guided weaponry.”
“We’ve always known streaming pays artists sh!t,” explained music industry analyst Penny Lessworth. “But we assumed the money was going to yacht maintenance, not actual missiles that go boom.”
ARTISTS REACT WITH SHOCK, HORROR, AND SEVERAL STRONGLY WORDED TWEETS
Survey data shows 97.3% of musicians are “extremely concerned” about their guitar solos potentially guiding drone strikes, while the remaining 2.7% are “just happy someone’s listening.”
Former Spotify artist Melody Maker told reporters: “I uploaded my breakup album to process my emotions, not to help process uranium. What the actual hell?”
SPOTIFY DEFENDS BUSINESS MODEL
Spotify spokesperson Chad Moneyworth defended the company’s practices: “Look, we’ve always been transparent about our business model. Our terms of service clearly state in section 147, paragraph 9, subsection C, line 376 that ‘user content may be utilized for vibes and/or international conflict escalation.'”
Industry experts note that streaming platforms have struggled to achieve profitability, with Moneyworth adding, “Missiles are just diversification. You think anyone’s making money from paying artists $0.003 per stream? Don’t be ridiculous.”
THE FUTURE OF MUSIC IN A POST-SPOTIFY APOCALYPSE
With artists fleeing, listeners are left wondering where to consume music. Bandcamp reported server crashes as 14 million people simultaneously tried to figure out how to use something other than Spotify for the first time since 2011.
According to Professor Cal Kulate from the Institute of Stating The Obvious, “Musicians wanting to be paid for their work without contributing to global instability represents a fundamental shift in the industry paradigm, or whatever.”
At press time, King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard were reportedly recording a concept album titled “Our Bass Drops Don’t Kill People, CEOs Do,” expected to drop on literally any platform except Spotify, where dropping now has too many concerning interpretations.
