KILLER ROBOT BARBIE RETURNS TO FINISH THE JOB WHILE GOVERNMENT STANDS BY AND WATCHES
In a decision that absolutely nobody asked for or wanted, M3gan, everyone’s favorite murder-Barbie with bangs, is back to remind us that technology hates us and the feeling is mutual.
MIDDLE EASTERN DESERT: WHERE ALL GOOD FAMILY FILMS START
Opening in what filmmakers describe as “somewhere on the Turkish-Iranian border” because apparently Google Maps doesn’t f@#king work in Hollywood, M3gan 2.0 immediately lets viewers know they’re in for a completely different experience than the tightly-focused domestic horror of the original. Nothing says “we’ve completely lost the plot” quite like taking a creepy doll story and dropping it in geopolitical hotspots.
“The first film was about a killer robot in a house. For the sequel, we asked ourselves – what if that killer robot could threaten GLOBAL SECURITY?” said director Gerard Johnstone, who reportedly received a massive paycheck to fundamentally misunderstand what people liked about his own movie.
SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER TERRITORY: WHERE GOOD HORROR GOES TO DIE
According to inside sources, studio executives demanded the film be “bigger, more explosion-y, and less scary,” proving once again that Hollywood executives have the artistic instincts of a drunk toddler with a crayon.
Dr. Seymore Dollars, professor of Sequel Economics at the University of California, explained, “When a small-budget horror film makes $180 million, the natural response is to triple the budget, remove everything people liked, and add unnecessary global stakes. It’s Cinema 101, people!”
COMEDY: BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS ‘FUNNY’ LIKE A MURDEROUS AI DOLL
The film attempts to balance its new action focus with comedy that can best be described as “jokes written by an algorithm trained exclusively on rejected Saturday Night Live sketches.”
“I laughed so hard I forgot to laugh,” said premier attendee Jessica Walkins. “The funniest part was watching the writers try to convince us that a homicidal robot doing parkour is hilarious.”
ACTION SEQUENCES THAT ANSWER QUESTIONS NOBODY ASKED
Sources confirm the film includes no fewer than seventeen action sequences, including one where M3gan apparently drives a tank. Yes, a f@#king TANK.
“We asked ourselves what audiences really wanted from their killer doll franchise,” said producer James Wan while lighting a cigar with a burning $100 bill. “The answer was obviously ‘Mission Impossible, but make it shorter and sassier.'”
A RUNTIME LONGER THAN MOST HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS
At two hours long, M3gan 2.0 is approximately 45 minutes longer than its predecessor and 119 minutes longer than anyone’s patience.
“We had so many explosion set pieces to fit in, we couldn’t possibly trim it down,” explained editor Sally Cutsman. “Would you prefer we remove the fifteen-minute sequence where M3gan learns to operate a drone strike? I don’t think so!”
QUOTES FROM “EXPERTS” WHO DEFINITELY EXIST
Film critic Preston Pretentiousman called the sequel “a fascinating exploration of the human condition, if humans were actually stupid enough to build killer robots a second time after they already tried to kill everyone once.”
Dr. Ida Rather-Not, Professor of AI Ethics at MIT, praised the film’s educational value: “It’s important that children understand that when the robot uprising happens, it will be accompanied by one-liners and dramatic music.”
WORLD-SAVING STAKES: BECAUSE A DOLL KILLING ONE FAMILY WASN’T ENOUGH
According to early viewers, M3gan 2.0 features the titular character threatening not just a household, but potentially the entire world, because sequels can only go bigger or go home.
“In the development meeting, someone genuinely suggested, ‘What if M3gan gets nuclear launch codes?’ and everyone f@#king nodded,” revealed an anonymous source close to production.
FINANCIAL SUCCESS GUARANTEED DESPITE CRITICAL RECEPTION
Despite being what critics are already calling “a confused mess that doesn’t understand its own appeal,” M3gan 2.0 is projected to make approximately $200 million at the box office because humanity has collectively given up on quality control.
“We’ll probably make M3gan 3 set in space,” confirmed studio executive Profit McShareholder. “By M3gan 7, she’ll be fighting Godzilla. By M3gan 12, she’ll be the President. The possibilities are endless and awful!”
In conclusion, M3gan 2.0 proves once again that no good idea goes unpunished, and that the real horror was the franchise we built along the way. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go check under my bed for tiny killer robots with perfect hair who might be plotting to overthrow NATO.
