Keir Starmer Unveils Bold Plan for AI Boom While Simultaneously Hoping the Sun Will Just, Like, Try Harder or Something

In a stunning double bill of visionary leadership and brazen logic-defying optimism, UK Labour leader Keir Starmer this week announced his commitment to turning Britain into both the global capital of artificial intelligence and a bastion of clean, green energy — presumably fueled by the sheer audacity of his promises.

Starmer’s AI plan, pitched as a 20-fold increase in computing power by 2030, will reportedly involve building *just a few* massively energy-hungry datacentres across the country while simultaneously achieving “a fully clean power system.” In essence, he aims to strap the UK to a rocket-powered electric car headed straight toward progress and then expect the car to charge itself *mid-flight*.

“We’re tackling the energy crisis and the AI race in one go,” declared Starmer during a press conference where, according to witnesses, he was visibly thrilled to have solved two impossibly complex problems by simply saying he would. “Some say building hundreds of power-sucking datacentres is incompatible with reducing carbon emissions, but they lack vision. Or, as I like to call it, ‘lengthy spreadsheets with wildly ambitious numbers and no footnotes.’”

The world of tech, meanwhile, was elated. “This is exactly the kind of leadership we need,” said one anonymous tech CEO who has definitely never considered sustainability for longer than three seconds. “Finally, a government willing to sacrifice white noise like breathable air and livable temperatures for the truly essential priorities: faster download times and more accurate chatbot replies.”

Environmental experts, however, displayed mild skepticism — by which we mean they broke into hysterical laughter upon hearing the proposals. Dr. Emily Watt, a climate scientist with 25 years of energy research under her belt, remarked, “Does Starmer think AI will invent unlimited renewable energy before his datacentres shut the national grid down? Because that honestly makes about as much sense as plugging a toaster into a potato and expecting breakfast.”

But Labour insiders remain undeterred. “We have a secret weapon,” claimed one minister who wished to remain unnamed. “It’s called ‘hope.’ Also, there’s a memo floating around suggesting we train an AI chatbot to spontaneously generate wind farms. So. Fingers crossed.”

The plan also includes a vague yet bold concept described as “public control” of AI, under which the government will presumably wrestle corporate giants into submission with nothing more than stern emails and expired legal paperwork. “We’re going to nationalize the algorithm,” Starmer explained, “because if there’s one thing the UK has consistently proven itself capable of doing swiftly and efficiently, it’s controlling cutting-edge industries through nuanced regulation.”

Social commentators were quick to notice that Starmer’s ambitions bear a striking resemblance to what experts call “playing SimCity with cheats turned on” — where you promise the impossible, spend wildly, and watch everything catch fire shortly before blaming it all on the previous administration.

“Labour seems really committed to their vision,” one commentator observed. “A vision where little virtual hamsters run endlessly on little virtual wheels while AI datacentres siphon off all electricity to recommend slightly better Netflix shows and summarize Wikipedia for 12-year-olds struggling with homework.”

Still, Starmer remains locked onto his dual trajectory of planetary salvation… sort of. “Worst-case scenario?” he shrugged when asked about potential failure. “We’ll train the AI to fix climate change for us. I mean, isn’t that why we’re building the damn thing in the first place?”

When pressed further on how both goals could be achieved in practice, the PM-in-waiting paused, gazed thoughtfully into the distance, and murmured, “Don’t underestimate the power of a good vibe shift.” And with that, the press conference ended, leaving the nation with high hopes, mild panic, and an enduring suspicion that someone, somewhere, is quietly Googling ‘solar-powered supercomputers.’