DESPERATE GOVERNMENT PLANS TO REPLACE JUDGES WITH CALCULATORS THAT CAN SAY “GUILTY” REALLY LOUDLY
In a move that has absolutely nothing to do with Britain being broke as f@#k, the Labour government announced plans to automate the justice system by having tech bros pitch their half-baked ideas in what’s being called “Dragons’ Den for People Who Think They’re God.”
CRIMINALS TO BE SENTENCED BY WHATEVER APP CRASHES THE LEAST
This Tuesday, tech companies will have a whole 20 minutes to explain how their algorithms can replace the entire British justice system while ministers pretend to understand what words like “blockchain” and “neural network” actually mean.
“We’re very excited about the possibilities,” said Justice Minister Sir Cutty McBudget. “Imagine a future where instead of expensive judges who need pensions and toilet breaks, we have sleek, efficient machines that can sentence people to prison while simultaneously mining cryptocurrency for the Treasury.”
HEALTH SECRETARY ANNOUNCES PLAN TO REPLACE SURGEONS WITH FANCY ROOMBAS
Not to be outdone in the “let’s replace humans with calculators that occasionally catch fire” department, Health Secretary Wes Streeting boldly announced that one in eight operations will soon be performed by robots.
“Think about it,” Streeting explained while visibly sweating, “robots don’t need coffee breaks, pensions, or psychological support after losing patients. They just need the occasional software update and maybe a squirt of WD-40.”
According to completely made-up statistics from the Department of Health, robot surgeons are 87% less likely to accidentally leave their phones inside patients, though they are 2,400% more likely to suddenly install Windows updates halfway through open-heart surgery.
EXPERTS RAISE CONCERNS, GOVERNMENT COVERS EARS AND SHOUTS “LA LA LA”
Dr. Cassandra Warning, Professor of Obvious F@#king Problems at the University of Common Sense, expressed concerns about the government’s approach.
“They’re treating AI like it’s a magical money-saving unicorn instead of complex technology that requires significant investment, expertise, and oversight,” she said. “It’s like watching someone try to fix a nuclear reactor with duct tape and positive thinking.”
The government responded by announcing plans to replace Dr. Warning with an AI expert named HAROLD (Highly Automated Response to Logical Doubts), which is essentially a Magic 8-Ball with a Westminster email address.
GOVERNMENT FACING CRUCIAL “BUILD OR BUY” DECISION
Downing Street now faces the difficult choice of whether to develop its own AI systems or purchase existing technology from private companies. Internal documents suggest the decision will be made by having ministers play rock-paper-scissors while blindfolded.
“Building our own AI would ensure we maintain control and security,” explained Tech Procurement Advisor Tim Spending-Freeze. “But buying it from private companies would allow us to blame someone else when it inevitably goes catastrophically wrong, which aligns perfectly with our core governmental principles.”
According to sources close to the Cabinet, the “buy” option is currently winning because it’s easier to explain to voters than “we spent £4 billion developing an AI that keeps mistaking pictures of the Prime Minister for a confused badger.”
JUSTICE SYSTEM TO BE REPLACED BY WHATEVER CAN BE CODED IN A WEEKEND
The Dragons’ Den-style pitch event has already attracted numerous startups with innovative solutions, including “CrimeCalc,” an app that determines guilt by analyzing how suspicious someone’s eyebrows look, and “JudgeBot,” which is essentially ChatGPT in a wig.
“We’re particularly excited about ‘SentenceSimple,'” said one Ministry of Justice official. “It just assigns prison sentences based on whatever trending hashtags are popular that day. It’s both cutting-edge and completely terrifying!”
Critics have pointed out that 98.7% of government technology projects end up costing triple their budget and performing at roughly the efficiency of a potato with wires stuck in it, but officials remain undeterred.
As one anonymous civil servant put it, “Look, we’re going to automate everything whether it works or not because we’ve already printed the ‘AI-Powered Britain’ mugs for the press conference, and there’s no going back now.”
