JOURNALIST WHO SURVIVED TECH BRO LION’S DEN RETURNS FOR ANOTHER MAULING, DECLARES “F@#K IT, LET’S DO THIS AGAIN”
In what psychologists are calling “the most elaborate form of self-harm since Instagram,” journalist Carole Cadwalladr returned to the Ted conference last week, apparently not traumatized enough by the lawsuit that followed her first appearance six years ago.
GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT OR SECRET MASOCHIST?
Cadwalladr, who clearly missed the memo about touching hot stoves twice, decided the best way to follow up a life-altering lawsuit was to waltz back into the same venue and essentially say, “Hey, remember that thing I said that got me sued? Let me elaborate on that while adding some spicy new accusations!”
Sources close to Cadwalladr confirm she arrived at the conference with a dartboard featuring the faces of various tech moguls and a t-shirt reading “Sue Me Again, I Dare You.”
BROLIGARCHY: NOT A FRATERNITY HAZING RITUAL, UNFORTUNATELY
The journalist introduced the concept of “broligarchy” to describe the unholy alliance between Silicon Valley tech lords and autocratic political movements, a term that 97.8% of audience members initially assumed was a new CrossFit-themed dating app.
“What we’re witnessing is essentially democracy getting ‘ghost-banged’ by a bunch of dudes who think libertarianism means ‘the liberty to become a trillionaire while people starve,'” said Cadwalladr, according to witnesses who were busy checking their stock portfolios during her talk.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH GRAVE CONCERNS
“The combination of tech billionaires and autocrats is like mixing Red Bull with tequila – it seems like a great idea until you wake up pantless in a foreign country with no memory of how you got there,” explained Dr. Seymour Obvioustein, Professor of Technological Consequences at Make-Believe University.
Meanwhile, tech ethics specialist Professor Ivana B. Relevant told us, “When the people controlling information flows also control wealth equivalent to small nations’ GDPs and have the emotional development of teenage boys, perhaps we should be slightly concerned.”
POLITICS IS TECHNOLOGY AND TECHNOLOGY IS POLITICS AND EVERYTHING IS F@#KED
In her most controversial point, Cadwalladr suggested that the line between technology and politics has completely disappeared, shocking absolutely no one who has witnessed Elon Musk’s 3am tweets directly influencing global markets.
A survey conducted during the talk revealed that 86% of audience members were simultaneously nodding in agreement while drafting emails to their attorneys about potential defamation claims.
TED ORGANIZERS IMPLEMENT NEW SAFETY PROTOCOLS
Conference organizers reportedly installed an emergency trap door beneath Cadwalladr’s speaking position and stationed snipers on the roof “just in case any billionaires in the audience started feeling litigious.”
“We fully support brave, controversial speakers,” said Ted curator Chris Anderson, while nervously adjusting his bulletproof vest. “Also, I’d like to clarify that my personal assets are held in a complex web of offshore trusts and I personally cannot be held liable for anything said on this stage.”
As Cadwalladr concluded her talk, emergency medical teams stood by with defibrillators labeled “For Post-Lawsuit Cardiac Events Only.” Meanwhile, the conference gift bags included complementary legal insurance and DIY witness protection kits.
When asked if she feared further legal action, Cadwalladr reportedly shrugged and said, “At this point, getting sued by tech bros is basically my retirement plan. I’m just one more lawsuit away from a book deal that’ll let me buy my own island where the internet doesn’t exist.”
