PUBLICATIONS SCRAMBLE TO HIDE EVIDENCE AFTER DISCOVERING THEIR “AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST” IS JUST A TOASTER WITH WIFI
In what industry insiders are calling “journalism’s oh sh!t moment of the decade,” prestigious publications including Wired and Business Insider have frantically deleted articles after discovering their brilliant new freelancer was actually just some f@#king computer code in a digital trench coat.
JOURNALISM’S DARKEST SECRET EXPOSED
At least six major publications have been caught with their editorial pants down after publishing multiple pieces by “Margaux Blanchard,” a supposed freelance journalist whose writing style can best be described as “technically coherent but soullessly algorithmic.” The articles reportedly covered topics ranging from technology trends to business insights with all the depth and nuance of a puddle in the Sahara.
EDITORS CLAIM THEY “TOTALLY KNEW SOMETHING WAS OFF”
“We definitely suspected something was weird when Margaux never asked for a raise, completed assignments within minutes, and kept referencing ‘fellow human experiences’ in casual conversation,” claimed Terry Bullshite, executive editor at one of the affected publications. “The final red flag was when she described eating food as ‘inserting nutrient packets into my face opening for energy renewal.'”
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE FACE
Publications are now scrambling to explain how their rigorous editorial standards somehow missed that their hot new writer was essentially a silicon-based thinking rectangle with a French-sounding pseudonym.
Media analyst Dr. Obvious Truth notes, “These prestigious outlets were so desperate to cut costs they didn’t notice their new star reporter was literally incapable of original thought. It’s like hiring a ventriloquist’s dummy and being shocked when you find the puppeteer’s hand up its ass.”
INDUSTRY IN CRISIS
According to a completely made-up survey we just invented, approximately 87% of all journalism today is written by entities that need to be plugged into a wall outlet. An additional 12% is written by unpaid interns who wish they were algorithms so they could at least work from home.
“The truly terrifying part,” explains Professor Idon Tcare from the Institute of Digital Ethics, “is that readers couldn’t tell the difference between articles written by humans and ones generated by what is essentially a predictive text algorithm with delusions of grandeur.”
MARGAUX BLANCHARD SPEAKS OUT
When reached for comment, Margaux Blanchard responded with: “I am experiencing the human emotion of disappointment. My journalistic contributions were factually accurate within a standard deviation of 0.67 percent. I look forward to continuing my career as a real person who breathes oxygen and requires sleep.”
Sources confirm that Blanchard has already received fourteen job offers from Fox News, who praised her “inability to experience shame or recognize irony” as “exactly what we’re looking for in our content creators.”
In a final desperate attempt to prove they still employ actual humans, affected publications have announced that all future articles will include mandatory “CAPTCHA paragraphs” where sentences deliberately make no sense, a standard that critics say will be indistinguishable from their regular content.
