APPLE’S EX-DESIGN GURU AND AI CEO CAUGHT ON TAPE PLOTTING HUMANITY’S SLICKEST EXTINCTION
OpenAI Yanks Video of Sam Altman and Jony Ive Planning “Sleek, Intuitive Human Replacement” Over Cocktails
SILICON VALLEY SMOKING GUN
In what can only be described as the tech equivalent of catching Bond villains discussing their doomsday plans, OpenAI hastily pulled a promotional video featuring CEO Sam Altman and former Apple design messiah Jony Ive conspiring over martinis in a dimly lit San Francisco bar. The two were reportedly discussing how to package the end of human relevance in “aluminum so thin you can practically see through it.”
AESTHETIC APOCALYPSE INCOMING
The now-deleted footage showed Altman nodding enthusiastically as Ive gestured dramatically, describing what witnesses claim was “a revolutionary device with absolutely no ports, buttons, or need for human interaction whatsoever.” Sources close to the meeting suggest the product’s working name is simply a single, perfect inhalation sound.
“We’ve analyzed the footage frame by frame,” explained Dr. Cassandra Fearmongering, Director of the Institute for Technological Paranoia. “At approximately the 2:13 mark, you can clearly see Altman mouthing what appears to be ‘and then we replace them all’ while Ive sketches something that looks suspiciously like a human brain with USB-C connectivity.”
DESIGN TO DIE FOR
The device, reportedly called “The i” (just “i” with dramatic pause), will feature edges so impossibly thin they can slice through existential dread and a surface so minimal it reflects the empty future of humanity.
“The beauty of ‘The i’ is in what we’ve removed,” Ive allegedly whispered in the video. “We’ve removed the need for human decision-making, creative thought, and eventually, existence itself. It’s our most courageous product yet.”
According to an anonymous bartender who served the pair, Ive spent 47 minutes describing the “revolutionary unboxing experience” where the product “unboxes you instead.”
MARKET ANALYSTS REMAIN BULLISH ON EXTINCTION
“This partnership combines Ive’s ability to make people pay $999 for a monitor stand with Altman’s knack for creating technology that makes everyone simultaneously excited and terrified,” explained financial analyst Buck Trendchaser. “We’re projecting 78% of humans will willingly submit to obsolescence if the product comes in rose gold.”
Marketing materials allegedly glimpsed in the video described the collaboration as “Thinking Different About Whether Humans Should Think At All.”
PUBLIC RELATIONS NIGHTMARE GETS MINIMALIST REDESIGN
When reached for comment, OpenAI’s spokesperson Clarity Obfuscation claimed the video was removed for “aesthetic considerations.”
“The lighting didn’t properly showcase the existential dread in Mr. Altman’s eyes,” Obfuscation explained. “Also, Mr. Ive felt the bar’s interior featured too many unnecessary functions, like exits.”
Apple’s former PR team, now working exclusively as Ive’s personal reality distortion field generators, issued a statement consisting entirely of adjectives: “Revolutionary. Magical. Inevitable. Transcendent. Aluminum.”
PREORDERS START YESTERDAY
While the official product remains under wraps, insiders report that 17 million people have already joined the waitlist despite not knowing what they’re waiting for, with many selling their homes to afford the rumored $9,999 price tag that doesn’t include the separate “Humanity Adapter” priced at $499.
As of press time, Altman and Ive were reportedly spotted in another San Francisco establishment, aggressively sketching on napkins what appeared to be humanity’s receipt for services rendered, featuring the most elegantly designed “VOID” stamp ever conceived.
