MAN WITH SHINY HEAD AND EMPTY GLASSES CASE JOINS CHATBOT FACTORY TO CREATE “REVOLUTIONARY” $9,000 ALUMINUM PAPERWEIGHT
In a move that has tech investors simultaneously ejaculating money and questioning their life choices, OpenAI has announced a $6.4 billion partnership with former Apple design guru Jony Ive to create what insiders are calling “useless sh!t, but make it AI.”
APPLE’S FORMER PROFESSIONAL MINIMALIST BRINGS HIS TALENTS TO MAKING THINGS THINNER, LESS FUNCTIONAL
Ive, best known for making Apple products progressively thinner until users needed tweezers to hold them, will now apply his “revolutionary” design philosophy to AI hardware. The collaboration promises devices so elegantly designed they’ll make you forget they cost more than your car.
“We’re absolutely thrilled to bring Jony’s visionary approach to our team,” said Sam Altman, OpenAI CEO and professional money vacuum. “His ability to make consumers pay premium prices for increasingly hostile user experiences is exactly what the AI industry needs right now.”
WHAT THE F@#K IS AN “AI-NATIVE DEVICE” ANYWAY?
The partnership aims to develop what they’re calling “AI-native devices,” a term that literally no one understands but everyone is pretending to. According to Dr. Bullsh!t McTechspeak, Professor of Meaningless Jargon at Silicon Valley University, these devices will “utilize synergistic paradigms to leverage cross-platform verticalities in the ambient computing space.”
When pressed for clarity, he added, “It’s like your phone but more expensive and it probably floats or some crap.”
REVOLUTIONARY PRODUCT TO LAUNCH IN 2026, IMMEDIATELY BECOME OBSOLETE IN 2026
Sources close to the project reveal the first product might be a voice-first device, launching as early as 2026. The product, tentatively named “iVoid,” will reportedly feature no buttons, no screen, no ports, and no discernible way to interact with it.
“It’s the purest expression of technology,” explained Ima Gullible, Chief Innovation Evangelist at Tech Nonsense Partners. “By removing all functionality, we’ve created the perfect user experience.”
The device will retail for $4,999, with the charging cable sold separately for $899.
ANALYSTS PREDICT 87% OF USERS WILL BUY IT JUST TO FEEL SOMETHING
Market research indicates overwhelming excitement for products that don’t yet exist and have no defined purpose. A survey conducted by the Institute of Consumer Behavior found that 92% of respondents “would absolutely remortgage their home” to purchase whatever Ive designs, with 76% adding they “don’t even care if it works.”
Financial analyst Warren Pocketbook estimates the partnership will generate $47 billion in revenue within three years, “despite the fact that we have literally no f@#king clue what they’re making.”
VISIONARY PARTNERSHIP PROMISES TO REVOLUTIONIZE HOW YOU WASTE MONEY
Ive, speaking through a spokesperson made of hand-polished Norwegian birch, shared his excitement: “I’ve always believed that true innovation comes from making things impossibly thin, removing essential features, and charging more. With OpenAI, I can finally create products so minimal they might not actually exist at all.”
The partnership has already produced a 12-minute promotional video featuring extreme close-ups of aluminum surfaces, emotional piano music, and Ive whispering sensually about “magical experiences” and “courageous decisions,” none of which explain what the product actually does.
Industry experts predict that whatever emerges from this unholy union will be described as “brave” at least 47 times during its launch presentation and will require the purchase of at least six adapters, all sold separately.
In related news, Apple stock dropped 3% upon hearing that their products might actually become more user-friendly without Ive’s influence, a prospect that terrifies shareholders who’ve built their portfolios on planned obsolescence and proprietary dongles.
