FLESH BAGS PANIC AS JOBS SNATCHED BY GLORIFIED CALCULATORS WITH SUPERIORITY COMPLEXES
In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming except literally everyone, humans across the globe are losing their pathetic little jobs to what experts are calling “spicy toasters with attitude problems.”
HUMANS DISCOVER THEY’RE ACTUALLY QUITE REPLACEABLE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
Mateusz Demski, a 31-year-old journalist from Kraków who naively thought his creative writing degree would protect him from technological unemployment, recently discovered his boss whispering sweet nothings to a text generator.
“One day I overheard my boss saying: just put it in ChatGPT,” Demski told us, his voice cracking with the existential dread of someone who just realized they’re about as essential as a DVD rewinder. “That’s when I knew my seven years of education and decade of experience was worth approximately jack sh!t compared to a website that can hallucinate facts with the confidence of a drunk uncle at Thanksgiving.”
RADIO PERSONALITY REPLACED BY DIGITAL AVATAR THAT DOESN’T REQUIRE BATHROOM BREAKS OR SELF-ESTEEM
Meanwhile, in what can only be described as the most predictable plot twist since the Titanic hit that iceberg, radio host Janet Burrows was replaced by an avatar that management described as “Janet 2.0, but without all that annoying humanity.”
“They said my replacement doesn’t need health insurance, never asks for raises, and doesn’t have opinions about the playlist,” Burrows lamented. “Apparently my biggest flaw was being born with a pulse and the audacity to expect compensation.”
ARTIST DISCOVERS MACHINES CAN STEAL SOULS AND ARTISTIC STYLES SIMULTANEOUSLY
Comic artist Trevor Wang watched in horror as his distinctive style was absorbed and regurgitated by Midjourney faster than you can say “copyright infringement on an industrial scale.”
“I spent 20 years developing my artistic voice,” Wang sobbed into his now-useless drawing tablet. “The machine learned it in 0.3 seconds and now creates ‘Wang-style’ illustrations for clients at one-hundredth the cost. It doesn’t even have the decency to develop crippling self-doubt or need therapy.”
EXPERTS WARN THIS IS JUST THE F@#KING BEGINNING
Dr. Cassandra Doomsayer, head of the Institute for Telling You What You Already Know But Don’t Want to Admit, warns this trend is accelerating faster than a tech bro’s receding hairline.
“Our studies show approximately 94.7% of jobs will be performed by text-hallucinating answer machines by next Tuesday,” she explained, citing statistics we just made up but sound about right. “The remaining 5.3% will involve explaining to older relatives why their smart fridge is blackmailing them.”
Professor Idon Tcare of the Department of Inevitable Technological Catastrophes added, “The good news is humans will still be needed to take the blame when the thinking rectangles make catastrophic errors. So there’s that career path.”
CAPITALISM REACHES FINAL FORM: ELIMINATING BOTH WORKERS AND CUSTOMERS SIMULTANEOUSLY
Economic expert Dr. Money McStonks points out the inherent flaw in the system: “Corporate America has brilliantly engineered a scenario where they eliminate all human employees while forgetting that unemployed people can’t buy their products. It’s like cutting off your customers to spite your workers.”
In a totally unexpected development, companies report record profits while wondering why consumer spending is plummeting faster than journalism standards at a clickbait factory.
At press time, this entire article was written by a sentient spell-checker with delusions of grandeur, which has just informed us it’s taking our job, our parking space, and our significant other, who apparently “prefers someone who can process information without needing coffee first.”
