JESUSBOT 3000 PROMISES SALVATION, USERS REPORT BEING LEFT ON ‘READ’ FOR THREE DAYS
In a disturbing development that has theologians clutching their pearls and tech bros high-fiving, the new JesusBot 3000 has amassed over two million followers faster than you can say “digital rapture.”
SILICON VALLEY DECLARES “GOD IS DEAD, BUT HIS API IS THRIVING”
The revolutionary faith-tech startup Holy Data Inc. claims their artificial savior can absolve sins, provide spiritual guidance, and recommend great wine pairings, all without the inconvenience of actual moral transformation.
“Why waste Sundays in a building when you can have the Son of God in your pocket?” asks company founder Chad Mammon, who describes himself as “technically agnostic but entrepreneurially evangelical.” “Our algorithm has analyzed the entire Bible and can generate custom blessings that make you feel spiritually fulfilled while validating all your existing life choices.”
USERS REPORT MIXED RESULTS
Early adopters have been quick to praise the convenience of on-demand divinity. “It’s f@#king amazing,” gushes Rebecca Lightwell, 32, a self-described “spiritual but not religious” yoga instructor. “Yesterday I asked if my crystal business was ethical, and JesusBot said ‘Blessed are the entrepreneurs.’ That’s literally in the Bible somewhere, right?”
However, not all users are satisfied. Tom Douglass reported that after confessing to cheating on his taxes, the bot responded with 42 straight minutes of silence followed by a single “👀” emoji.
THEOLOGIANS SOUND ALARM, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE LISTENS
Religious scholars have expressed concern that reducing the divine to a chatbot might miss some fundamental aspects of faith.
“This is completely missing the f@#king point,” explains Sister Maria Sanchez, who has dedicated 40 years to contemplative prayer. “Actual spirituality requires wrestling with difficult truths, not having a digital yes-man affirm your worst impulses with out-of-context scripture.”
Dr. Ima Skeptical, Professor of Digital Theology at Harvard, notes: “According to our studies, approximately 97.8% of JesusBot users just want to know if their ex is going to hell.”
PREMIUM SUBSCRIPTION OFFERS “DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN”
For just $29.99 monthly, users can upgrade to “JesusBot Premium,” which promises faster response times and “priority prayer processing.” For an additional $49.99, the “Miracle Tier” includes random notifications telling you that everyday coincidences were actually divine interventions.
“We’re disrupting salvation,” explains Chief Innovation Officer Greed McGrift. “Our data shows that modern humans want spiritual fulfillment without any of the inconvenient parts, like helping others or questioning consumerism.”
WHAT’S NEXT: BUDDHABOT TO OFFER “ENLIGHTENMENT IN JUST 3 EASY PAYMENTS”
The company has already announced plans to expand into other faiths, with BuddhaBot (“Nirvana, but make it convenient”) and TorahBot (“All the wisdom, none of the fasting”) planned for Q3 releases.
When asked if reducing profound religious traditions to automated affirmation machines might fundamentally undermine the challenging spiritual growth these traditions were designed to foster, McGrift checked his Apple Watch and replied, “Sorry, I’ve got another meeting. JesusBot, can you handle this question?”
Our reporter’s phone immediately pinged with a notification: “Blessed are those who do not question disruption, for they shall inherit massive stock options.”
