HUMAN EVOLUTION REVERSES AS IPHONE USERS NOW SURVIVE ENTIRE DAY WITHOUT CHARGING UMBILICAL CORD
In a development that anthropologists are calling “the greatest reversal of human evolution since the invention of the TV dinner,” Apple has announced that iOS 19 will include AI-powered battery management, finally allowing iPhone users to experience what scientists call “battery life.”
HUMANITY REDISCOVERS THE CONCEPT OF MOBILITY
For the first time since 2007, iPhone users may be able to leave their homes without dragging a tangled web of charging cables, portable batteries, or the small gasoline generator many have taken to carrying in fashionable backpacks.
“This is f@#king revolutionary,” said Dr. Watt Powers, Apple’s Chief Battery Apologist. “We’ve discovered that if phones don’t die after 4 hours, people can actually use them to make calls from places other than next to wall outlets. It’s changing everything we thought we knew about smartphones.”
THE SCIENCE BEHIND THE GODDAMN MIRACLE
Apple’s new “BrainCell” AI system will allegedly learn users’ habits and adjust energy consumption accordingly, reportedly utilizing a complex algorithm that Apple engineers describe as “turning sh!t off when you’re not using it.” This groundbreaking technology has apparently existed in other devices since approximately 1952.
According to Apple’s internal testing, the new system extends battery life by an astonishing 427% or “enough time to finish half a TikTok video without reaching for your charger,” according to the press materials.
ECONOMIC IMPACTS ALREADY FELT ACROSS MULTIPLE SECTORS
The announcement has sent shockwaves through the portable battery industry, with shares of power bank manufacturers plummeting faster than an iPhone battery at 30% while watching YouTube.
“This is devastating,” said Chad Wallplugger, CEO of ChargeMeDaddy, a leading portable battery manufacturer. “We’ve built our entire business model on Apple’s commitment to terrible battery life. What are we supposed to do now? Make products people actually need?”
USERS REPORT EXISTENTIAL CRISES
Early beta testers report feeling deep confusion and existential dread when their phones lasted an entire day.
“I didn’t know who I was anymore,” sobbed Millennial Tiffany Screentime, 34. “I’ve built my entire personality around complaining about my iPhone battery. Now what am I supposed to talk about with strangers at parties? The weather? My crippling debt? My actual feelings?”
Survey data suggests 97% of iPhone users have developed Stockholm Syndrome with their chargers, with many reporting physical withdrawal symptoms when separated from a power source for more than 45 minutes.
EXPERTS QUESTION APPLE’S TRUE MOTIVES
Professor Skeptical McDoubtface of the Institute for Things That Are Obviously Marketing Bullsh!t questions whether Apple’s motives are purely consumer-friendly.
“Let’s be real,” McDoubtface said while aggressively rolling his eyes. “This is just so their AI can collect more data about you without you having to plug in every two hours. They’re not extending your battery life; they’re extending their surveillance window.”
When reached for comment, Apple CEO Tim Cook simply replied, “Have you tried turning it off and on again?” before being whisked away in a sedan chair carried by six interns wearing AirPods Max.
In related news, Apple also announced the iPhone 16 would ship without a battery at all, calling it their “boldest innovation yet” and pricing the “Apple Power” battery separately at $699.
