In a groundbreaking announcement sure to shock and awe, Apple has revealed that the iPhone 16 will soon feature its first iteration of Apple Intelligence, thus ending the historic era of dim-witted yet chic mobile phones. This revelation, published in the illustrious *Power On* newsletter, forecasts a future that mirrors the aspirations of humanity: a hope for smartphones to be considerably smarter than their owners.
Apple announced that on October 28th, iOS 18.1 will be the chosen platform for this evolutionary leap, introducing AI-powered notification summaries. “We’re thrilled to introduce a feature that condenses all unnecessary notifications into one big, ignorable bundle,” said Tim Encyclope, Apple’s Lead Engineer of Things You Didn’t Know You Needed.
In addition to the grandeur of notification summaries, Apple Intelligence promises a significant Siri overhaul. “We’ve trained Siri to understand you even when you’re speaking in emojis or trying to enunciate at 2 a.m. after a full night of karaoke and cocktails,” shared Siri’s spokesperson, a holographic rendering of Steve Jobs, who provided commentary from his penthouse suite in Digital Heaven.
To help Siri adapt to the unpredictability of its users, Apple is incorporating new, vibrant, polychromatic effects, ensuring that if you summon Siri with a request for which it’s utterly unprepared, you’ll at least be mesmerized by the dazzling light display that ensues. “Nothing communicates ‘We’re thinking’ better than a fabulous light show,” explained Apple’s Head of Visual Distractions, Glowy McFlash.
As expected, this intelligence upgrade will only be available on the iPhone 15 Pro and newer models, leaving those with lesser devices pondering their status as literary Luddites. Nevertheless, enthusiasts who refuse to upgrade may solace themselves with plans to finally get an emotional support goldfish.
Despite the fanfare, not all features are set to be unveiled at once. Multi-app task completion and data context magic from Siri remain speculative whispers, rumored to make a splashy entrance sometime next March. Until then, users might as well practice explaining to their iPhones why setting a 7 a.m. alarm does not mean they enjoy waking up at dawn.
While the impending arrival of Apple Intelligence on the iPhone 16 might have some pondering if their smartphones will surpass them in cognitive abilities, Apple ensures there’s no cause for concern. “Our goal is not to have smarter phones, but to make dumber humans feel smarter,” concluded Tim Encyclope, with the reassuring presence of a man who developed instructions for how to hold a phone.
